May. 31st, 2005

zyzyly: (my left foot)
When I woke up saturday morning I was thinking about change theory. No, actually, I was thinking about the dream I had. It was a work dream and I hardly ever have work dreams. I dreamed that my patient was going in and out of ventricular tachycardia and I couldn't find the crash cart to defibrillate her. Since I don't really take care of patients anymore I have no idea what it means.

Eventually I got up and headed off to a ministry class. On the way I began thinking about change theory. I forget which theory it was but it had something to do with the need to unlock from where you are before you can move into something else. Unlocking, moving, relocking. I was thinking about it in relation to someone else; then I started thinking about it in relation to me. I immediately turned up the radio and that kept it at bay for a while.

During the class I made an entry in my paper journal--the first one since the first of May (if you don't count the one I ripped out and threw away a few weeks ago). I wrote about change theory. I left the class at lunch to run an errand and didn't go back.

At the end of the journal entry I wrote down two words and underlined them:
self-discipline and

When I wrote them I was thinking about all the dirty dishes in the sink at home--about how my new freedom to do whatever I want(to not do the dishes) is sometimes in conflict with what I really want (to not have a sink full of dirty dishes).

I quit my job and started making plans to drive all over the place and I wonder what the point of all that is. Do I want to drive for thousands of miles so I don't have to look at the dirty dishes in the sink? And won't the dirty dishes still be there when I come back? And I'm not even sure I mean actual dirty dishes, although though my sink is full of non-metaphorical dishes. I don't know what I mean.

I spent saturday night washing dishes.

Sunday I ended up at a coffee shop while waiting to do some hospital visits. I made another journal entry, and again I ended with:
self-discipline and

Yesterday I participated in the ordination of a priest. I was the deacon of monitions. There was a point in the rite where I had to kneel for an extended period. While I was kneeling two words came to mind:
self-discipline and

After about five minutes of kneeing on tile a third word came to mind:

I think it is time for me to start pulling my life back together. Ugh.
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