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At the end of the paved road
May. 31st, 2004 05:40 amIt is hard to believe the time has gone by so quickly. Five years ago, I began the formation program to become a deacon in the Catholic Church. I wasn't sure what it meant, but I knew, with absolute certainty, that I was supposed to be there.
A lot has gone on in the intervening years. After September 11, I lost my faith for a while. I didn't understand how the God I had grown up knowing could let such terrible things happen. I sat in a prayer service one evening and decided that if this was God, I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I continued to attend formation classes, but with a sense of emptiness. From this I was able to shed my old image of God--the old bearded guy in the sky, who capriciously decides who suffers and who doesn't--and accept an image of God that is much more unknowable, and more vulnerable. It is an image of a God who suffers with us.
Arlina got sick, and my first thought was to quit the program. At the time, there was a good chance that she would not survive to my ordination. All along, we had done this together, and I just couldn't bear to think that I might have to do it alone. I told the program director that I would probably not continue in the fall.
Arlina didn't want me to quit. She told me that she would still be here, no matter what anyone said. She wanted to see me be ordained--she would live for it.
I carried that around for a while. It was tough. I finally had to tell her that I couldn't make the decision to be ordained with that hanging over me, and she released me from it. It still sits there, though, and I wonder.
Eventually I made the decision to continue--to go where God leads me, and know that I will be ok. That's the hard thing about faith--it always comes with a degree of uncertainty. And so I arrive at this point, where the road I know ends, and a path of uncertain direction begins.
My hope is that I will be a deacon who can live up to the calling. The ministry of deacon is one of service--to whoever is in need. It is about meeting people where they are, and being with them in that place, whether it be in a church, in a hospital, or along the levee in a makeshift camp. It is about feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, caring for the sick and visiting the lonely. I am so inadequate to the task ahead, but I trust I will be given what I need.
We are leaving this morning for a 5 day retreat in Lake Tahoe. Next Saturday, when we get back, twelve of my friends and I will be ordained. If you are the praying type, please pray for us. I won't have another chance to post before then, but I will post after.
Peace.
A lot has gone on in the intervening years. After September 11, I lost my faith for a while. I didn't understand how the God I had grown up knowing could let such terrible things happen. I sat in a prayer service one evening and decided that if this was God, I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I continued to attend formation classes, but with a sense of emptiness. From this I was able to shed my old image of God--the old bearded guy in the sky, who capriciously decides who suffers and who doesn't--and accept an image of God that is much more unknowable, and more vulnerable. It is an image of a God who suffers with us.
Arlina got sick, and my first thought was to quit the program. At the time, there was a good chance that she would not survive to my ordination. All along, we had done this together, and I just couldn't bear to think that I might have to do it alone. I told the program director that I would probably not continue in the fall.
Arlina didn't want me to quit. She told me that she would still be here, no matter what anyone said. She wanted to see me be ordained--she would live for it.
I carried that around for a while. It was tough. I finally had to tell her that I couldn't make the decision to be ordained with that hanging over me, and she released me from it. It still sits there, though, and I wonder.
Eventually I made the decision to continue--to go where God leads me, and know that I will be ok. That's the hard thing about faith--it always comes with a degree of uncertainty. And so I arrive at this point, where the road I know ends, and a path of uncertain direction begins.
My hope is that I will be a deacon who can live up to the calling. The ministry of deacon is one of service--to whoever is in need. It is about meeting people where they are, and being with them in that place, whether it be in a church, in a hospital, or along the levee in a makeshift camp. It is about feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, caring for the sick and visiting the lonely. I am so inadequate to the task ahead, but I trust I will be given what I need.
We are leaving this morning for a 5 day retreat in Lake Tahoe. Next Saturday, when we get back, twelve of my friends and I will be ordained. If you are the praying type, please pray for us. I won't have another chance to post before then, but I will post after.
Peace.
