look out mama, there's a white boat comin' up the river

[zyzyly]

I slept fitfully last night. We were sleeping at Arlina's parents'house. Arlina was restless. She never really sleeps a full night--she gets up and does stuff throughout the night. Sometimes she reads or gets something to eat, sometimes she decides to shred documents. It doesn't really matter--almost everything she does wakes me up.

I have some sleeping pills that the doctor gave me--Ambien. They are supposed to be non-addictive (a good thing for me). They work well, but he cautioned me not to use them every night. So I get to pick which nights to get a good sleep.

Arlina spends about three days a week at her mom's now. It works out better in the daytime when I am at work. When she is home alone she gets lonely. The downside is that I have to go there after work. The house is always full of people--kids, in-laws, and so on. I can only take so much of that.

I need some quiet time in my day, otherwise I go crazy. Arlina is the opposite--too quiet and she gets edgy. We have always had problems understanding each other in this respect. When I start to get anxious because I haven't had any time to myself, she will suggest something like, "Why don't you lie down on the couch?" Yes, but the couch is surrounded by screaming kids. She just doesn't understand that I need to be totally away from it.

Sometimes I'll go home to get some peace and quiet, and a good night's sleep. Bu when I do, she gets lonely for me. Every once in a while she'll remind me that when she's gone, I'll have plenty of quiet time. And there's no answer for that one.

There was a birthday party last night. One of Arlina's sisters sat down and talked to me for a while. She told me that they hoped Arlina would live for another ten years, because they didn't know what to do with me if she died. They are trying to figure out how to take care of me. I'm not at all sure I want to be taken care of, but I 'm not sure I don't want to be take care of either. No wonder they don't know what to do for me.

I am an enigma to them. I am so different from anything they have ever experienced, at least in respect to being family. I am "the american" --the first one they met, and the one who they know better than anyone else. I am an eccentric to them, and sometimes it is easier for them to simply humor me than it is to understand who I really am.

I think the nieces know me better--they have spent enough time with me to know my moods and how I think. One of them said something interesting the other day in responst to something Arlina said. Arlina was half-joking about whether I was going to get a girlfriend (the implication being after she's gone), and the niece very forcefully responded, "Don't worry auntie, we're going to protect uncle Mike". Somehow, I found hope in that.

I never know how to end these somewhat randomly put-together posts, so I will simply end by telling you that I had a delicious cranberry-oat scone and a double espresso for breakfast this morning.

Comments

[serratia.livejournal.com]

Mike, you're doing an excellent job coping with a horribly stressful situation. It's great that Arlina feels comfortable discussing things like how you'll get by "afterward," and even joke about it a little bit. That shows great strength of character, and few people are able to even approach those ideas in any manner or for any reason.

You're walking a tightrope-- you need to make sure you get what you need and give Arlina what she needs. It isn't selfish to consider your own health/strength/sanity first because if you have nothing, you have nothing to give.

I believe that in the future your little nieces (not so little anymore-- they're maturing into confident, capable young women!) will be a great source of comfort and joy. I believe they'll protect you, for sure... and that they'll always consider you close family and a beloved person in their lives.

You are wonderful-- hang on, sweetheart... just hang on.

If you need anything at all I could do for you long distance, my email is on my info page.

Love you guys...

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i'd be so much like you, needing time to be quiet (and alone). it does seem that people who grow up accustomed to a houseful of people can't understand those of us who need the quiet. there used to be a family down the street, with a spanish-speaking cuban mother-in-law in residence, that would be fun to visit with all the loud voice and rapid-fire spanish, but i'd come home feeling like i'd had my head in a blender!

your breakfast sounds delicious. :)

Short Cuts

[felixbunay.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know whatcha mean. Not always like your situation, of course, but every so often life takes a detour into a one-way alley where you'd didn't mean to turn and would rather not be, but the only thing you can do keep moving forward until at some point you get back on the right road. Or at least some road.

Sometimes you can't tell if it's the right road until you're in a whole other state.

[pasticcio.livejournal.com]

I think you ended this entry wonderfully....

Oddly enough, I never know how to or even if I should respond to these types of entries. I know that when I bare my soul sometimes I don't want people to respond and sometimes I do want people to respond. We're all just a little bit odd, aren't we?

You'll be OK, Mike. You're loved by many and that's always a good thing.

*hugs*

[detroitfather.livejournal.com]

Your title for this entry brought back a lot of memories.

I wish you good sleep, but failing that ... double espresso is good, too.

[sweetcharity.livejournal.com]

I never know what to say to stuff like this ~sigh~ But I know when I went thru something similar I hated how quiet everyone was. I wanted people to talk with me!! I know now they were just afraid of saying the wrong thing. At least that's how I feel.

"Arlina is the opposite--too quiet and she gets edgy"
Man I can totally relate to that! Must have something to do with being raised around alot of family.

So...Ambien huh? I need to get me some of that :)

shelter me from the powder and the finger.

[oheunoia.livejournal.com]

i need my alone time, too, and what i have come to realize is that people who don't will never fully understand exactly what that means and how important it is & vice versa. i don't have any advice, though. luckily, i don't think any is necessary. :}

heart,
Petra*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chandra/]

I need time alone, too. Some people don't understand that it doesn't have to mean quiet time. For me it just means time to lay around or shape my eyebrows or some other thing that doesn't mean anything, except that I'm by myself when I do it. I just need time where there's no interaction with any one but me. I'm good company. :)

[niyabinghi.livejournal.com]

Completely understand that need for solitude and quiet. It's as though, if I don't get a certain 'dose' of it per day, I remain stressed. You seem to be doing well though in your attempts to balance your needs with Arlina's needs, although I can understand how hard it must be.
Don't worry about 'randomly put-together' posts, they're still a perfectly fine expression/glimpse into your lives at this time.
((hugs))

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

I believe that in the future your little nieces (not so little anymore-- they're maturing into confident, capable young women!) will be a great source of comfort and joy. I believe they'll protect you, for sure... and that they'll always consider you close family and a beloved person in their lives.

exactly! to them, you're not the American, you're uncle Mike. ~paul

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

I loved this randomly put together post I learned so much about you including that you like cranberry oat scones- raspberry ones are my favorite. Next time you give Arlina a big hug can you throw in a soft squeeze for me please.
thanks.
V

[fried-pearl.livejournal.com]

I think that many of us need our alone time. It is how we refuel, rejuvenate, make ourselves as whole as we can under the circumstances. You and Arlina have different needs right now. It is good that you are able to get away occasionally.
From what I've read, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I'm very glad you had a good breakfast.

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

lol! i just sent you an email, and ....... then i read this.
:-) cranberry oat scone, that sounds yummy.