May. 17th, 2005


May. 17th, 2005 11:43 am
zyzyly: (Default)
I have been reading back over old posts. It was two years ago on Sunday that Arlina found out she was sick. I read the post I made that morning, while she was in the ER, and we thought it was gallstones. I said, "I'm pretty sure she's going to be fine". It stands as a nice reminder of how little I know.

The next day I wrote about how we woke up and talked about it. My biggest fear that morning was that Arlina would wake up and not remember what the ER doctor had said, but she did. I took a picture of her across the breakfast table that morning. She was smiling. We ate cantaloupe for breakfast. I guess I bought it the night before, thinking cantaloupe might be necessary. I also wrote, "It's funny how life can change so completely in so little time." It stands as a nice reminder of how much I actually do know.

I listened to music last night, wishing that this had been a bad dream, and that I could wake up from it. I just can't seem to get a grasp on how this person I shared my life with could be so completely and permanently gone. It will be six months tomorrow.

I ask, over and over, "How can it be, how can it be?" It just doesn't seem to fit. I guess that is why it seems like a bad dream--it has the same quality of just not being right. When the familiar no longer seems familiar at all.

It was kind of a shock when I came to the realization that I couldn't have my old life back--that the road had actually ended, and I had to go in another direction. Scary and exciting.

In the past few weeks I have made a number of decisions that have affected (at least in the short term) the path my life will now take. I don't think all of them were good decisions. Reacting while in pain is not the best time to be making big changes. I understand the whole "don't make any big decisions for a year" thing, but really, easier said than done.

On the other hand, I don't think the stuff I've done has been completely bad, either. Maybe the timing is not so good, but that's ok. I called the human resources people today to get a referral for a psychologist. I need an objective listener to help me navigate through this. You know what made me think of it? I've been watching the first season of The Sopranos. Haha!

My life feels like a mess right now. It's been a mess before, and I've always straightened it out eventually. I do have faith in my ability to get through bad times. I used to wonder why I had to go through so much bad shit early in my life, but now I know. What a gift.
zyzyly: (Default)

from 2 years ago, complete with cantaloupe
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