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Jan. 21st, 2003 07:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zyzylyMy life feels like the old part of town when the earthquake hit. It feels out of control, and I don't like it. For some reason, I think I am close to discovering some essential truth about myself--something that is going to make sense, but will require a lot of work.
I think I've created all these roles to hide behind so that I never really have to be myself. I work hard at maintaining them. That is why I am a good nurse. But it also explains why it is so hard for me to just be present to a friend or family member who is sick. I can't use the nurse role, and that leaves only me to deal with it. My first instinct when someone I care about is sick is to run. If you want to become a better nurse, you can take a class or read a book. But what do you do to be a better person?
It is the same thing with death. I wrote the other day about how I struggled to comfort my friend, but what I really wanted to do was get as far away as possible. And I hate myself for being so selfish. I called him the other night to see how he was doing and make plans to meet him for coffee in a few days. It was so hard just to call him, and I stumbled over my words. Shit. This guy just lost his wife and all I stress over whether I said the right thing or not. I clearly don't have the selfless thing down.
I wonder what the hell I'm doing. I am three years into diaconate formation, and now I wonder if it is just another role I'm trying to master--another layer of insulation between me and the world.
What do I need to do so that it is ok to just be me?
I think I've created all these roles to hide behind so that I never really have to be myself. I work hard at maintaining them. That is why I am a good nurse. But it also explains why it is so hard for me to just be present to a friend or family member who is sick. I can't use the nurse role, and that leaves only me to deal with it. My first instinct when someone I care about is sick is to run. If you want to become a better nurse, you can take a class or read a book. But what do you do to be a better person?
It is the same thing with death. I wrote the other day about how I struggled to comfort my friend, but what I really wanted to do was get as far away as possible. And I hate myself for being so selfish. I called him the other night to see how he was doing and make plans to meet him for coffee in a few days. It was so hard just to call him, and I stumbled over my words. Shit. This guy just lost his wife and all I stress over whether I said the right thing or not. I clearly don't have the selfless thing down.
I wonder what the hell I'm doing. I am three years into diaconate formation, and now I wonder if it is just another role I'm trying to master--another layer of insulation between me and the world.
What do I need to do so that it is ok to just be me?
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Date: 2003-01-22 09:21 am (UTC)I know, in the nursing realm, what we do is good; and that we make a difference when we are there when someone dies. I often reflect that the times in my career I have most felt like a nurse was not when I was doing something technical, but when I was simply present for patients and their families. We do that better than anyone else.
Maybe we expect too much of ourselves in our personal lives. I wanted to do more for my friend, but really, there wasn't anything else to do. I think it is difficult for nurses, because we are conditioned to try and ease pain, but there is some pain that just can't be eased, and just needs to be experienced. We can be companions on the journey.
thanks for writing!
mike