There and back again

[zyzyly]

I finally finished the overdue theology paper that I was moaning about months ago. Good thing too. I had an absolute deadline of Friday, or risk getting booted from the program. The paper was supposed to be about the writings of a 14th century Christian mystic, who outlined a process of contemplative meditation. Somewhere along the way it turned into my own mystical journey, reflected in the writings of the anonymous author.

Once I finished, I could understand why it was so hard to write. It's funny how it is sometimes so difficult to put two and two together. It had never occurred to me that my struggle with the paper was directly related to how I was struggling with my faith.

I'm not going to get into it now, but around the end of 2001 I really started to struggle with my concept of who or what God was. It was pretty tough. Here I was in the middle of a five-year theology program, and I began to seriously doubt the very existence of God. I remember feeling this most acutely when I was in Rome. I sat in St. Peter's Basilica, the very heart of Christianity. I was at a Mass, close enough to the Pope that I could have reached out and touched him, and I felt absolutely nothing at all. I had thought that I would feel the overwhelming presence of God there, but there was nothing. Nothing at all. I visited cathedral after cathedral, and felt only emptiness. I came home and pretty much gave up. I continued in the program, but my heart wasn't in it.

Then, a few months ago, I attended a talk by a Trappist monk on the author I was supposed to write about. During his talk he said something that relit a spark of hope in what I thought was an extinguished faith. It had to do with the idea that God is never going to be what we imagine him to be. The God that had abandoned me wasn't really God. It was what I thought God should be. The abandonment was a gift. It allowed me to be free of the distraction of something I had created, and freed me to continue my journey. The funny thing is that the book I was writing on is exactly about this--about letting go of what we think God is, so that God can enter our lives. About not being distracted. It's called <>The Cloud of Unknowing.

So I sat down friday and started writing, and the words just flowed. It was painful--a couple of times I just started sobbing and had to stop for a while. I finished it, and then had trouble reading it through. It was just too raw. I submitted it as it was. I let my wife read it, and I think it kind of shocked her. She has an unshakable faith, and finds it difficult to understand what I have been going through the past year. I guess I'm just a complex person.

I'm still not sure who or what God is, but I know God exists. But he exists in a way that I will never be able to intellectualize. I'll only be able to feel it. So now we sit together in silence, and gaze at each other. Words are unnecessary. I feel surrounded by his presence.

Comments

Call me a Heretic!

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

The words of the trappist are divinely inspired indeed. He was able to re-define faith with WORDS. And I will have to cogitate on those words (and yours)for a spell...

But I am curious as to who the mystic was, and what his influences were and so on. I guess I would like to read that paper of yours (but I understand how personal it is, and I don't expect to be privy...You've said enough here already)

I cast about in the darkness for a few years, cutting myself on the sharp rocks in search of what would be God...And, though I may not practice religion, I found a great deal of solace in the teachings of the Coptic church and the Gnostics. (I have some ideas about why you may not have felt a divine presence in Rome.)

Re: Call me a Heretic!

[myasma.livejournal.com]

The author was anonymous, and the work is called "The Cloud of Unknowing", written in 14th century England. It is a pretty good read, and provides a lot of food for thought.

I don't mind sharing the paper. If you want to read it, let me know and I'll email it to you.

Re: Call me a Heretic!

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

Saltrummy@hotmail.com

Thanks!

Re: Call me a Heretic!

[myasma.livejournal.com]

It's swimming out to you as we speak.

Re: Call me a Heretic!

[tristesse]

I know I'm about seventeen years late, but do you still email that paper of yours out? I've been having a crisis in faith for about 5 years now. I can just read the book if not. I already have it. larkspirit@gmail.com

Thank you

Re: Call me a Heretic!

[zyzyly]

Wow--you went way back in to the archives. I don't have any of that stuff anymore--it is on a missing hard drive that is....lost. In any case, I'm not sure the paper would provide any illumination.

When you are wandering in the wilderness, after a while you have to stop and listen to the nothingness that surrounds you. That's the voice of God.

Re: Call me a Heretic!

[tristesse]

No worries then. Thank you for replying.

[badsede.livejournal.com]

I had the exact opposite experience in Rome - although I do not doubt that your experience was genuine. I was wandering around Rome and made my way to the Vatican at around 1130 or so at night. When I turned the corner onto the via leading up to the Piazza San Pietro and the facade of St. Peter's first came into view, I almost fell down, even at a distance the impact on me was so strong. I had gone to St. Peter's several times before I actually went to mass there, and mass wasn't really so special for me either, but I had been in Rome going to mass for sever weeks, there no Pope, and it was a typical Sunday mass during ordinal time.

I'm a cradle Catholic, but it was in Rome that I discovered the faith in me, that I realized how very different - even if in accord - belief and faith are. It was in Rome that I realized just how big a difference there is between the devout Catholic life and being an American Christian.

I was in Rome studying architecture, and I wasn't expecting what I found, or rather what found met. It sounds like you may not have found what you were looking for in Rome, but perhaps what you needed, or at least a piece of it, found you there.

I too would be interested in reading the paper if you would be willing.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

That was the experience I was anticipating, and it just didn't happen. I did find St. Peter's fascinating though. Did you get the chance to see the excavations under St. Peter's? That was really awe inspiring, and probably the thing I'll remember most.

I sent a copy of the paper to your email address. Thanks for the comments!

[badsede.livejournal.com]

I've actually already read it. I don't know exactly what the assignment was, but I really enjoyed it as a description of journey of faith and understanding. I've somewhat recently come to a very similar conclusion about prayer. I posted about it, but you may not have been on my list back then. What you wrote has sparked some thoughts in me, so I may have some more to say in another post.

[jmhm.livejournal.com]

I'd like to read it, wave wave.

jmhm@livejournal.com

[myasma.livejournal.com]

On its way. See if you can tell where the preacher man influenced it.

[bigpancakes.livejournal.com]

God is never what we think he is! So true. I get those "blank" moments every few days although I haven't had a long-term spell of that since my "apostate period" (6th grade through sophomore year of college).

Our rector preached a fine sermon during Advent, where she said that a friend had a dream thus: A catalog offered Jesus for sale by mail. You could order the traditional, blond white Jesus in a flowy robe, or you could order the revisionist "historical" Jesus, a swarthy Levantine Jew in grubby carpenter's clothes.

Either way you ordered him, you got the other version.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I like that. I'll order one of each!

Interestingly, at the time this all started, I was reading a book by an Episcopal Bishop,John Shelby Spong, called Why Christianity Must Change or Die. In the first part of the book, he pretty much deconstructs Christianity as I knew it. I think this was where my faith crisis started, and September 11 was just the catalyst. I never did read the second half of the book. I ought to dig it out and see what happens!

[bigpancakes.livejournal.com]

Oh, that Spong! I'm not at all a fan of that guy. He's widely reviled by all but the most liberal wing of the Episcopal Church. He's a perfect example of throwing out the baby with the bath water, only with him it's the baby Jesus! He wants the church to proclaim that Jesus was a nice guy with great ideas, and drop the Creed because it doesn't fit his worldview which is totally enlightenment-centric. He would have us give up on finding the truth of the Resurrection just because it doesn't make sense to the rational mind.

As far as I'm concerned, he is a deist Unitarian at best.

I should qualify all this by saying that I am a liberal in the church, not all the way to the left, but reasonably so. I hate the fact that Spong puts me in the position of having to sound like some cranky right-wing nut who wants to depose 3/4 of the church.