Reflective

[zyzyly]

I take a walk almost every day now. I wrote a little about it the other day, but I felt like writing about it again today. It has become something I look forward to. I was never much of a fitness type, so having a positive response to any kind of exercise is a big thing for me.

I walk in a different direction each day. Lately, I have been walking around where I work, which is between the downtown area and some of the older neighborhoods. The streets are laid out in a north-south east-west grid, giving me a wide variety of routes to choose from. If I head west, I go into downtown, east is where the big, expensive houses are.

Although I mostly keep a steady pace, I do stop and take pictures. It is a constantly changing landscape. Even though I walk many of the same streets over and over, I am often surprised by something I had never noticed before--a reflection in a window, a piece of urban art, the placement of a sign. I see lots of different people. None of them know me, and none of them ask me how things are going.

Most of the pictures I take on these walks are posted in another journal--one that I started a long time ago but never did anything with. No one reads it, which is fine with me. Every once in a while I'll post words--things I don't want to say here. Things that don't sound like the loving husband of a cancer victim bravely struggling deacon who is holy, etc..

Carrying that sign around my neck all the time wears me down.
Know what I mean?

Comments

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

indeed. that would be a heavy burden to bear. especially since you probably regard yourself as just another soul, trying to do the right thing.~paul

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Most of the time I don't feel the burden--I'm just living my life. Where I feel it is when I see it reflected in the eyes of people looking at me. There was a guy the other day who said this:
"It must be so hard for you to deal with all of this--Arlina's cancer, getting through the deacon program, selling your house. It is so much--I don't know how youu can do it without completely breaking down."

And up until that point I was having a good day.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

sometimes i think people want to say something to make you feel better, when actually, the only thing you want is for them to be there and not say a thing. that's why 'silence is golden' i guess. ~paul

[myasma.livejournal.com]

They do--it is hard to know what to say, and we often want to find the right words when there really are none.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

exactly!
~paul

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I have always been grateful, a little, that nobody sees me as saintly enough to have to wear a sign.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

"Gentle spirit, essayist, chessmaster, attorney"

[parisgarters.livejournal.com]

I can relate a teeny bit, since I have the whole minister thing going on. It drives me nuts when people try to make me conform to what their expectations of me are.

I've been praying for you and Arlina every night, but, I realized that I don't know what your name is! I just keep praying for "Myasma and Arlina." Ha.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

My favorite ministers are the ones that seem the most like real people--the ones who don't care that you know they have flaws. The human face of Jesus.

Haha--"myasma and arlina"! It's Mike.

[-anglophile-.livejournal.com]

Hey I've done the same thing, thats funny. I guess Mike sounds better.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

yes, i think i know what you mean. are you willing to tell the name of that photojournal with the thoughts, or is it private? if the latter, i'll back off, but i'd be glad to stand ready to walk with you.

[ex-muzer409.livejournal.com]

Were we ever informed of this other journal????? I'd read it.

I have a few like that, but I'm too lazy to switch over. It's a dilemma, really, for the reasons you state (though my "rep" is certainly far from holy, or even very loving, I fear). Sometimes I like to just have a no-holds-barred self-pity party, without worrying if anyone is feeling sorry for me, or bored, etc. (FYI, I'm also horowhoro, hieronymusbitch, and a couple others I can't remember right now. Most of 'em are locked up for the most part, and never updated--LJ resources wasted! But their user-numbers increased, so that's some kinda balance.)

I'm so bad at taking walks, I feel like I have to have a "destination." Maybe you shall inspire me! And now, I'm really bad, I just thought, I should walk home today! And then: But I don't have any cigarettes made, and I'd want one. GAH. I suck. And I've made an horribly suckathonic comment here.

New York is a great place to walk though. I used to do so much of it, exactly that feeling of all the people you can look at if you want, or not if you don't.

PS: I can't see the picture! Waaah.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Make your departure point your destination--do a loop. I always end up back where I started. I walk for 45 minutes in one direction, and then walk back.

NY would be such a cool place to walk.

And I've made an horribly suckathonic comment here haha--love it!!!!

Here We Go Loop De Loop

[ex-muzer409.livejournal.com]

Make your departure point your destination--do a loop. That is a FANTASTIC idea. I love THAT.

[http://users.livejournal.com/-reallyreally/]

When Marc and I can convince ourselves that a walk would be more beneficial than watching an episode of The Simpsons for the fifteenth time, we really like to walk around our neighborhood. We've only been here for a little less than a year, so a lot of it is still new to us, even though we usually just walk around the houses.

It's a large neighborhood, but also very wealthy, and they always plant the nicest flower gardens, sometimes upsettingly near to the huge, crushing tires of their Hummers.

I take my camera, too, but I think Marc just likes to enjoy looking around. He's also a city boy, so living in a suburb with actual trees is kind of new to him. When he isn't smacking himself in the face for fear of gnats, I think he really enjoys it.

[ldygwynedd.livejournal.com]

When you boil it down, we are all just simple humans underneath. Some peole hide behind their signs because that allows them to escape from being human, you know? But even the signs themselves are a burden at times to us truly finding our center -- where we are real.

I've always thought of you as a real human, Mike, not as a sign. I like the human you are. :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chandra/]

Do you want no one to read the other journal? Because I'd like to, if that's something you're okay with.

Let me know. Walk extra for me. :)

Ah, yes....

[annabellissima.livejournal.com]

I myself find that I struggle with this, although I'm sure I can't fully relate. Sometimes I feel like God has brought me so far, that to show any kind of emotion or string of thought that isn't in line with everybody's perception of what a good Catholic should think and feel, would negate everything God has brought about in me to those around me. That it will be null and void in their eyes and suddenly I will be disliked.

I also find that I have trouble admitting a problem, or sharing emotional weakness because I feel like, Hey, if God is my number one, then I shouldn't be like this. I have to give a good impression of Catholicism for all those who are watching with a skeptical eye (friends of mine who are athiest or Protestant and discount my devotion and connection to God through my Church). It's that whole stigma of, "Christians are supposed to be peaceful during their trials, what's your deal? You must not be relying on God enough." This, of course, would be my pride speaking *blushes* Even with those who share my faith, I find that I feel bad for expressing anything that even slightly resembles depression or loneliness.

It's also difficult as the moderator of pax_et_caritas to be less than utterly "holy" sometimes. I had made a comment on badsede which somebody attacked me for, telling me I wasn't being "loving" and "finding Christ in others" as the community encourages us all to do. In other words, they were calling me a hypocrite. That stung.

I guess what it all comes down to for ME is that I have cared entirely too much about what OTHER people think of me. I have walked a thin line of conformity which has left me feeling like I have to hide everything that doesn't cater to others: anything that isn't likeable, good, holy, sweet or understanding. And unfortunately, it's taking it's toll.

[annabellissima.livejournal.com]

Ohmygoodness. I only meant to say that I know what you mean, but I kinda went off instead *LOL* Pardon the ramble on your journal.

I hope that saying these things in your hidden journal helps :)

[myasma.livejournal.com]

haha--I do that too sometimes!

Re: Ah, yes....

[myasma.livejournal.com]

How much easier it would be if we could feel comfortable just being ourselves, and not what others feel we ought to be.

I often seek out the human side of Jesus in the Gospels--the Jesus who could be happy, sad, irritable. It reminds me that it is ok to be human.

Re: Ah, yes....

[annabellissima.livejournal.com]

I often seek out the human side of Jesus in the Gospels--the Jesus who could be happy, sad, irritable. It reminds me that it is ok to be human.

AMEN! Thank you :)

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

wears me down...
well of course! it is a heavy sign to wear. our friend has not revealed his state to many people at all, for the same reason.... doesn't want anyone to be distracted by the sign that they don't see 'him'.
walking is wonderful isn't it? i really love to walk. the other day i ventured out without camera.... and it would just happen to be the day, i saw, the most beautiful big double rainbow! that "photo" will have to live in my memory....

[worldcomrade.livejournal.com]

It has become something I look forward to

Yeah, I know what you mean. Walking opens possibilities so many possibilities. I imagine different lives and see new gardens--other people's gardens fascinate me. I'm between home, work and family, which is a tremendous sense of freedom. Plus, I don't carry a cell phone, so my time is mine for as long as I walk.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I like looking at gardens--seeing what other people are growing, dreaming of gardens I'll never have.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

your beauty shines through regardless of what sign you wear, that's my bet.

xo