(no subject)

[zyzyly]

Something I didn't mention earlier when I wrote about Arlina's surgery being scheduled was how hard it hit me. I mentioned that I would fret about it, but it goes deeper than that.

It is hard to describe--I feel so tired, as if all my strength has been drained out. It is not so much despair, but a realization that this is the last stand. There isn't going to be anything beyond this--there are no more "plan B's".

The surgery is palliative. It will reduce her pain, but it won't extend her life. Knowing the date of the surgery seems to reinforce this. For a long time this was just one of those "possible eventualities", one of the things we knew we would have to face, but not until later on.

Now I know that time is running out. It is hard to accept. I don't want this to be happening. But it is what it is, and I can't change that.


A year ago, I wrote this in my journal:

I'm just spending a moment reflecting that, in spite of everything, life is pretty good, and I wanted to share that with you.

It still holds true. Arlina and I have been blessed with so much--blessed with each other and surrounded by people who love us. I don't think we could ask for more than that.

These posts are probably difficult to read. If I were following this on my friends list, I really would be at a loss for what to say. Just knowing that you're out there is enough.

Comments

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I've lost a handful of dear ones, including my mother and my sister, to cancer. I am, somewhat, at a loss for what to say, but I'm astounded at your bravery and eloquence and trust in sharing it with us.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

In sharing it, I get much more back than I could ever imagine. thank you!

[annabellissima.livejournal.com]

My heart goes out to you both soooo much.

I can relate a lot to what you are feeling in this post. I felt this same way when my grandmother, whom I was extremely close to and who taught me what my Catholic faith was all about, had ovarian cancer and had to go in for chemo treatments and "cutting-edge" treatments.

I remember them telling my grandmother she could either do more chemo treatments and be sick, or live life to the fullest for another 6-9 months. When I learned that she and my grandfather opted for the 6-9 months (no chemo), I was devastated, knowing there was a timeline.

If I felt that badly about it, I can't imagine how my mother and my grandfather felt. Soooooo many prayers for you. Would you like me to put you and Arlina in my Church prayer petition book?

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Would you like me to put you and Arlina in my Church prayer petition book?

Please do--prayer is so powerful. thank you!

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

But did you know that I'm out there sending my hugs and love to you both?

Yes, it's difficult to read, but never as difficult as it is to experience. And never so difficult that I will not be here to listen.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I do know it! do you know that it makes all the difference in the world?

Hugs!

[yechezkiel.livejournal.com]

They are difficult to read. I feel like I am too young to even understand what you are going through. I have only lost two relatives, and though I loved them both, I was not close to either. I can't use that as any sort of comparsion...

I am at a loss for words to convey what sympathy I feel... I do pray, though.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you for the prayers--it is enough.

[pasticcio.livejournal.com]

Your entries are very moving and often leave me at a loss ... I just wish that there was more that I could do for you and Arlina, but, being out here for you is what I'll have to settle for.

*love*

[myasma.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[seraphimsigrist.livejournal.com]

you put it very clearly and truly
and reading it perhaps becomes
the best prayer we can offer.
+Seraphim.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

and i believe that writing it is perhaps my prayer.

[clarinutter.livejournal.com]

I know I don't post much, but I DO read... just to let you know.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thanks ann!

[happy2beso.livejournal.com]

Difficult to read, yes....but my heart aches for you and your family in a way that reminds me that I'm alive and that I am capable of feeling for others. I have no wisdom or even close to the right words, peace be with you and thank you for always sharing from your heart.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you!

[blakeh.livejournal.com]

I know your posts are not always easy to write, and they are not always easy to read. But, they are always appreciated. You've really helped me a great deal with your willingness to share your feelings so unabashedly.

You are both in our thoughts.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

and you both are in ours.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

The thing that makes your entries hard to read is wishing there was more to offer than words on a screen- I can only imagine how scarey the sense of "possible eventualities" and "time running out" must feel.

There is an author who is a psychologist and theologin named Thomas Moore and he has some wonderful, fabulous books titled Care of The Soul, The Souls Religion and Re enchantment of Everyday Life and the one I am presently reading called Dark Night of the Soul- finding your way through. He talks about how we can take comfort in the more difficult episodes in our lives if we can appreciate them as transformations of the soul a transformation that cannot be judged by any simple, external measures. I think you would enjoy reading him, he is such a gentle spirit full of wisdom and compassion and aid in times that might seem....for lack of better words chaotic and uncertain.

In particular his Care of the Soul and the Dark Night of the Soul might be useful and illuminate your way a little. I imagine your soul could use a little extra care right now and in the times to come. My warmest wishes for comfort and strength go out to you.

V~

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you--i will look into those books, particularly dark night of the soul, as it is also a favorite title from John of the Cross.

I do believe this is a transformational experience, one that cannot be understood, but only experienced. I don't know if i ever adequately express the beauty that arlina and i have experienced through this--beauty which transcends all the pain. it is the beauty that i hope to carry beyond this.

[langging.livejournal.com]

Just knowing that you're out there is enough.

I'm here and always praying for both of you. :)

[myasma.livejournal.com]

salamat!

[niyabinghi.livejournal.com]

hugs to you both, Mike...
N

[myasma.livejournal.com]

oh, thank you! hugs back!

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i just want to add, to all the others have said, that i'm out here too.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I know you are--and i am so happy you are there!

[courier-iii.livejournal.com]

I am here.
We are here.
We are with the two of you.
...and so are our prayers.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

we are surrounded! thank you for being part of the circle.

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

i am glad you write about it. glad that you have a small outlet, and you aren't holding it all inside. though i'm sure that there is much more you do hold inside.......... i just feel incredibly honoured to have your trust.
so much love to you both. xo

[myasma.livejournal.com]

it does help to write it out, but you are right--there is more, but it must remain within the confines of the heart for now.

your words and pictures are always such a bright spot in our day!

[detroitfather.livejournal.com]

*prayers*

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you for the prayers!

[ldygwynedd.livejournal.com]

So many people here care. So many people here have learned to love you and Arlina through your journal.

You have enriched my life not only because of the way you've lived through this struggle that's been forced upon you but also because you didn't hesitate to reach out and grab the hands of the people who would offer themselves to you. Or rather, Mike, you and Arlina have reached out to grab the hand of He who has offered Himself to you. After all is said and all is done I always come back to the fact that all there is is His Love. (The Beatles were right! Who'd have thunk it?)

I believe that are all but reflections of God's love.

[ruralrob.livejournal.com]

Another voice telling you that we're here for you.

[http://users.livejournal.com/-reallyreally/]

Difficult to read, yes. But necessary. As difficult as they are, I can't imagine what it's like to live them, and the reality, although it's aching, is also grounding. I try to make a bigger difference day to day because of what it reminds me of, and what it makes me realize.

No one should have to go through what you and Arlina are facing right now, but thank you for sharing it with us so that we can look at our own lives, our own loved ones, and our own struggles in a different light.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you!

[pbsage.livejournal.com]

it is an honor to hold your words.

and, this is your journal! it is for you! say whatever you gotta get out of your head or gut. it is all holy.

i lay my hand on the picture of you and arlina with the prayer:
may god bless you and keep you.
may he cause his light to shine upon you
on your rising up and your lying down.
amen.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you for the blessing!

[hermit-crab.livejournal.com]

I too am at a loss for words, but I'm hoping for the best for you.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you for being there...

[firestartermsu.livejournal.com]

You are an amazingly brave soul who I admire deeply. You and Arlina are both in my thoughts and prayers.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you!

It's hard to fold your hands with all your fingers crossed

[felixbunay.livejournal.com]

*Just knowing that you're out there is enough.

Umm, actually I'm over here. A little to the left. Left. The other left.

There I am.

World's Worst Pray-er, here. But I'll give it my best shot. I'll ask for one of those plan "M" things I read about from time to time.

It'll be good practice for when they get around to operating on my dad.

Ready...pray.

Re: It's hard to fold your hands with all your fingers crossed

[myasma.livejournal.com]

wow--thanks!

when is your dad's surgery?

[drood.livejournal.com]

I send much love, and prayers, to you both.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you, thank you, thank you!

[ms-priestypants.livejournal.com]

it is difficult, but never so much so that I wouldn't keep reading and praying for you both, and I like to think by reading what must be so hard for you to write, I'm sharing the burden of this grief in some tiny little way.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

you are so right--each of these little offerings of prayer and support, when added together, is what lifts us up and allows us to keep moving. It is powerful stuff, and I am in awe of the enormity of God's love, manifested through each of you.

We are praying for you as well.

[jscottharris.livejournal.com]

I do want desperately the right words to say; it is only natural, even if I know that no such words exist, except in prayer. Love to you both. And baskets of *hugs*.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

a basket of hugs, freshly picked--I can't think of anything better!

thanks!