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zyzylyOk, I'm filled with dread. I sure hate writing about this stuff. I'd rather be writing something funny. Unfortunately, I'm not that funny to begin with, so....
This feeling of dread has been growing since we came home from our trip. Actually it started on the drive home. Everyone was asleep in the car, and I was left with my thoughts. And this sense of foreboding just began to wash over me. I wanted someone to wake up so I could talk to someone, but what could I tell a 13 year-old? I had already upset them once this week by bursting into tears. They didn't know what to say, but they hugged me and patted me on the back--I can't tell you how comforting that was.
Arlina has an MRI of her spine today. She has had a lot more back pain in the past couple of weeks. The oncologist wants to see if anything is there before the surgery tomorrow. I guess she's thinking more metastases, and the implication is that if there is something there, there would be no point in doing the surgery.
I ran into her GI doctor last night in the hospital. He really isn't doing anything for her doctor-wise any more, but is journeying with us as a friend. He asked me about the liver scans, and questioned whether it was any benefit to do this surgery. I told him what the other doctors had said--about the benefit of surgery, the increase in the liver tumors and the overall prognosis.
He asked me if, when I looked at Arlina, it looked like she would survive six months. I had to answer "no".
Wow, my thoughts are so scattered right now. I've typed and erased six "next lines" in the past minute or two. They just sound so dark. You know, I don't have much hope right now.
Here is what is going through my mind. I am almost sure the MRI will show something bad. How much worse could things get than they already are? I don't know. I wrote before about just letting things play out and not trying to anticipate what will happen, but I seem to have abandoned that philosophy (or it has abandoned me).
Everything is just so clearly out of my control. And not in a "it's in God's hands" sort of way. More like an out-of-control car that you know is going to go over the cliff, you just don't know which curve it will be.
I am terrified of what the next few days will bring.
Oh, I forgot to shave today too. I got to work and looked at myself, and wondered if I was just going to completely fall apart before this is all over. That's what happened to my dad when his wife died. He fell apart and it took him over 10 years to pull it back together. That's why I have these daydreams of moving to Italy or driving around the country after this is all over--I need to believe there is something beyond this.
This is what's going on in my head. It sucks. I'm going to go for a walk now. I'll probably write more later--there is still a lot in there. Thanks for listening.
This feeling of dread has been growing since we came home from our trip. Actually it started on the drive home. Everyone was asleep in the car, and I was left with my thoughts. And this sense of foreboding just began to wash over me. I wanted someone to wake up so I could talk to someone, but what could I tell a 13 year-old? I had already upset them once this week by bursting into tears. They didn't know what to say, but they hugged me and patted me on the back--I can't tell you how comforting that was.
Arlina has an MRI of her spine today. She has had a lot more back pain in the past couple of weeks. The oncologist wants to see if anything is there before the surgery tomorrow. I guess she's thinking more metastases, and the implication is that if there is something there, there would be no point in doing the surgery.
I ran into her GI doctor last night in the hospital. He really isn't doing anything for her doctor-wise any more, but is journeying with us as a friend. He asked me about the liver scans, and questioned whether it was any benefit to do this surgery. I told him what the other doctors had said--about the benefit of surgery, the increase in the liver tumors and the overall prognosis.
He asked me if, when I looked at Arlina, it looked like she would survive six months. I had to answer "no".
Wow, my thoughts are so scattered right now. I've typed and erased six "next lines" in the past minute or two. They just sound so dark. You know, I don't have much hope right now.
Here is what is going through my mind. I am almost sure the MRI will show something bad. How much worse could things get than they already are? I don't know. I wrote before about just letting things play out and not trying to anticipate what will happen, but I seem to have abandoned that philosophy (or it has abandoned me).
Everything is just so clearly out of my control. And not in a "it's in God's hands" sort of way. More like an out-of-control car that you know is going to go over the cliff, you just don't know which curve it will be.
I am terrified of what the next few days will bring.
Oh, I forgot to shave today too. I got to work and looked at myself, and wondered if I was just going to completely fall apart before this is all over. That's what happened to my dad when his wife died. He fell apart and it took him over 10 years to pull it back together. That's why I have these daydreams of moving to Italy or driving around the country after this is all over--I need to believe there is something beyond this.
This is what's going on in my head. It sucks. I'm going to go for a walk now. I'll probably write more later--there is still a lot in there. Thanks for listening.
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no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 09:15 am (UTC)Well, I meant to say comforting words but none are coming. How can one be comforted when going through this? I don't think so. I can just read.
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Date: 2004-08-12 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 09:16 am (UTC)And if you ever want to venture into the realm of theodicy, I'm here for that too.
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Date: 2004-08-11 09:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2004-08-11 09:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 04:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2004-08-11 09:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 09:26 am (UTC)Our thoughts and prayers are with you my friend~
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 09:22 am (UTC)yes, there is something beyond this, though the "this" is so hard. if you ever need someone to TELL things to, as when you were the only one awake in the car, you can write me or even call. (((mike)))
no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 04:30 pm (UTC)and I'm still hungry, but a sister in law is on the way with food!
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 09:35 am (UTC)Unfortunately, that is the it's in God's hands stuff.
It's also the nothing I can think of to say can help stuff.
I'm very glad that you two are together, and I'm glad you have a doctor who has made it his business to be on your side. I'll pray for you both.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 04:31 pm (UTC)thank you for the prayers and support.
Also, I forget to shave because I'm sleepy
Date: 2004-08-11 09:38 am (UTC)And you can't even call 'Farmer's Hand.' You just play your useless nine of clubs and see what kind of cards you get next.
'Time' is a terribly frustrating answer, eh?
Re: Also, I forget to shave because I'm sleepy
Date: 2004-08-12 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 09:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 09:40 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2004-08-11 09:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 05:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 10:05 am (UTC)so much LOVE to you and arlina.
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Date: 2004-08-11 10:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 10:32 am (UTC)Keeping tabs on you guys the next few days (long-distance though it may be) will be a top priority for me. You all are always in my thoughts. If there is anything at all I can do, please don't hesitate to ask.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 10:35 am (UTC)The opening lines of of Sarah Mclachlan's song "Hold On" come to mind:
Hold on, hold on to yourself,
'cause this is going to hurt like hell.
There is something beyond it, though. There are things that are beautiful, some not so much, some things that are profound, and some things that are senseless. It's the stuff that fuels poetry and music that takes your breath away.
I hope you don't fall apart, should the worst happen. I hope you are able to sustain yourself on the love and strength that Arlina will always for you (that will never fade), and the strength and love of your family.
And then there's a whole slough of friends who will lift you up when you need it.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 05:25 pm (UTC)thank you so much for being there for us!
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Date: 2004-08-11 10:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 05:28 pm (UTC)and you are right--these 13 year-olds have already been a tremendous support, and are sometimes wise beyond their years. I was never that smart when i was 13.
thank you for your prayers!
no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 10:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 05:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 10:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 11:03 am (UTC)It's an honor to be here, to be able to be a sounding board and to send prayers for your beautiful lady and for the strength you need. I am proud to call you friend for so many reasons, not the least of them being your courage, even now when you feel afraid.
Can you post your address again. I'd like to be able to be able to send something.
I hope you will lean on us here a little if you are comfortable with that. I wish I was there to offer an ear over hot tea and big hugs both administered as needed.
thinking of you and holding A very close in heart and mind right now.
V
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Date: 2004-08-12 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-11 11:08 am (UTC)I can't imagine how hard this is for you, and you are both in my prayers for what that is worth right now.
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Date: 2004-08-12 05:33 pm (UTC)i've never been to australia....
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Date: 2004-08-11 11:17 am (UTC)Love
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Date: 2004-08-11 11:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 05:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2004-08-11 12:01 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2004-08-12 05:37 pm (UTC)