morning star and the oncologist
Sep. 1st, 2004 05:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zyzylythere was supposed to be a second part to yesterday's post, but i had such a hard time getting the words out that i gave up. i thought i would try again today, and see how it goes.
we saw the oncologist yesterday.
i suppose there is really nothing that can come at a surprise to us at this point. The MRI scan from before the surgery shows new mets in the spine, and more growth in the spine lesion we already knew about. Not really surprising, since everything else was growing too. nothing much to be done about it.
more discouraging is the news about the liver. at the very beginning of this, when we first heard the there were liver mets, we pretty much expected this to be the big problem. but not much happened--everything kind of stayed the same for a long time--the liver numbers stayed down and there were no symptoms.
now there are. the numbers are rising, and arlina is starting to show signs of liver failure. the oncologist thinks the liver may be responsible for some of the back pain arlina is experiencing--it is getting bigger and pushing against stuff (i guess).
we talked to her about our trip, but she is concerned about us being gone so long. even if we decide not to do a one-last-shot chemo, arlina will still be having medical issues related to the liver failure that will need to be managed. "symptom control".
so we don't know. we have a couple of weeks still to see, since we can't go anywhere until she is cleared by the orthopedist. but it seems as if time is running out.
we talked about it a lot last night. in some ways it is so incomprehensible, even with the time we have been given to prepare. i was with a woman at the hospital today whose husband became ill so quickly--they have been married over 40 years. she won't get to hear him say goodbye to her. so in some ways, we have been blessed with the time we have had this past year.
we will have been married 11 years this october. it seems way too short a time, but it has been such a blessing. arlina worries so much about me--what will happen to me when she is gone. her friends tell me this is what she talks to them about.
she is my better half. she changed my life--i was such a loser before i met her. it sometimes feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest.
i got up again this morning to see my star(which is probably a planet). it did mean something, just not what i thought. but i'll keep looking at it, reminded that it will never go dark in my lifetime.
we saw the oncologist yesterday.
i suppose there is really nothing that can come at a surprise to us at this point. The MRI scan from before the surgery shows new mets in the spine, and more growth in the spine lesion we already knew about. Not really surprising, since everything else was growing too. nothing much to be done about it.
more discouraging is the news about the liver. at the very beginning of this, when we first heard the there were liver mets, we pretty much expected this to be the big problem. but not much happened--everything kind of stayed the same for a long time--the liver numbers stayed down and there were no symptoms.
now there are. the numbers are rising, and arlina is starting to show signs of liver failure. the oncologist thinks the liver may be responsible for some of the back pain arlina is experiencing--it is getting bigger and pushing against stuff (i guess).
we talked to her about our trip, but she is concerned about us being gone so long. even if we decide not to do a one-last-shot chemo, arlina will still be having medical issues related to the liver failure that will need to be managed. "symptom control".
so we don't know. we have a couple of weeks still to see, since we can't go anywhere until she is cleared by the orthopedist. but it seems as if time is running out.
we talked about it a lot last night. in some ways it is so incomprehensible, even with the time we have been given to prepare. i was with a woman at the hospital today whose husband became ill so quickly--they have been married over 40 years. she won't get to hear him say goodbye to her. so in some ways, we have been blessed with the time we have had this past year.
we will have been married 11 years this october. it seems way too short a time, but it has been such a blessing. arlina worries so much about me--what will happen to me when she is gone. her friends tell me this is what she talks to them about.
she is my better half. she changed my life--i was such a loser before i met her. it sometimes feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest.
i got up again this morning to see my star(which is probably a planet). it did mean something, just not what i thought. but i'll keep looking at it, reminded that it will never go dark in my lifetime.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 06:01 pm (UTC)We'll watch over you a little. You can tell her that.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 07:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 06:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 06:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 06:11 pm (UTC)::warm hugs::
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 06:17 pm (UTC)>i'll keep looking at it, reminded that it will never go dark in my lifetime.
when my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer a little over two years ago, i found the night sky enormously comforting. still do.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 06:27 pm (UTC)Just that I admire you so much. And A. Have you told her how much love is coming to her from LJ-land?
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 06:41 pm (UTC)Much love going out to Arlina.
~Vaysha
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 06:56 pm (UTC)Perhaps still a trip, but closer to home?
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 07:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 07:35 pm (UTC)it sometimes feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest
while the relationship was quite different, the circumstances and the feelings are so similar. i just want you to know im thinking of you both. and i have some idea of what these feelings are that are swirling around you. i wish you both the best and hope you are both able to find peace with whatever may happen.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 07:42 pm (UTC)And some good friends to lighten the load
Date: 2004-09-01 07:43 pm (UTC)But if all else fails, sometimes it can carry you, too.
One way or another, I think there is a journey in your future. Here's hoping you have your companion of choice and not of necessity.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 08:29 pm (UTC)Never surrender.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 08:41 pm (UTC)P.S.-- If you can't travel very far, try camping! It doesn't have to be very far from home, even your own backyard. My friends and I always had a great time. And that way, you'll be able to sleep under your bright star together and watch it rise in the sky in the morning! :)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 08:44 pm (UTC)Lots of love from over here...
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 09:37 pm (UTC)In the short time I've known you and been able to glance into your lives, I have found myself touched and motivated through the love you share and through the hope you hold in your heart.
You and Arlina have touched the lives of so many. Glancing back I think it can easily be said that you both show us why it is important to live for the here and now. To live life to the very fullest and have no regrets.
It takes an unmeasurable amount of strength to come as far as you both have, and to still be going strong.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 09:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 09:56 pm (UTC)I pray that you and Arlina will continue to have strength as you face more difficult issues to bear and that you will be given a peace that is beyond all understanding. I feel blessed to have "met" you and Arlina through the "other" blog. Thank you for sharing your story and touching my heart. It can't be easy to write but your serene words draws us in. It's a blessing to see all the support you are getting from the LJ people.
Ruma (J/R)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 10:17 pm (UTC)Take that time, as soon as you can. Assure her that she has been the impetus of change in your life and if for no other reason that she will remain with you. You're already doing all that you can for her, but don't forget about yourself as well. You certainly could benefit from assistance, be sure that's lined up as well. Her concerns are for you. Give her reasons to know that you'll be OK so that she may be at peace.
My prayers of course are for you both. I wish there was more.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 09:20 am (UTC)As far as assistance goes, do not rely wholly on family...you will need folks a little further away than the eye of the hurricane... dare I say hospice?
I am so sorry this had to happen, I haven't known you long, but I feel a special bond with Arlina, and I can see why you have been changed by her. We all have.
Much love and concern are being poured out for you and Arlina. Open yourselves up for it.....
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 10:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 10:44 pm (UTC)This is beautiful. It rends my heart. A blessing, indeed, that you've had this time, to share and yes, prepare.
I hope you get to take your trip.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 11:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 11:42 pm (UTC)I wish I had something to say that would ease your pain.
Your family is in my prayers.
*love*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 03:14 am (UTC)I am as always speechless...
'just wanted to let you know I'm also here for both of you.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 05:54 am (UTC)My prayers go out to you and your family.
Bruce
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 06:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 07:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 07:29 am (UTC)My thoughts and love to you and Arlina, Mike.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 07:40 am (UTC)I love you guys.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 07:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 07:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 09:16 am (UTC)I hope that peace and quiet strength are yours during this time.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 09:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 08:35 pm (UTC)"Deep peace of the running wave to you
Deep peace of the flowing air to you
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you
Deep peace of the shining stars to you
Deep peace of the gentle night to you
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you
Deep peace to you…"
The song is a traditional Gaelic blessing, set to music by a composer named Bill Douglas (© Ziji Music).
Suzy
no subject
Date: 2004-09-03 12:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-03 04:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-04 04:22 am (UTC)