late (early)

[zyzyly]

It is 3:45 am here. I'm sitting up with Arlina (who is now asleep). She woke me up about an hour and a half ago complaining of increased pain. She took some more meds and moved to the couch, which seems ot be more comfortable for her.

I stayed up and took a shower. Now I am just waiting for her to wake up again. Listening to music, sipping a coup of tea and watching her breathe. Her breathing is irregular. High doses of narcotics will do that.

Her pain has increased dramatically over the past 24 hours. She was staying at her mom's house last night and woke up with terrible pain, about this same time. Since then her pain med requirements have doubled. I called the doctor yesterday morning and she gave me another prescription for a long-acting narcotic, to supplement what she is already taking. It doesn't seem to be having much effect.

When we saw the oncologist earlier this week, she noted that the liver was again much bigger, and thought this was what was causing most of Arlina's pain. We talked about pain control, but at the time it was nowhere this bad.

She just woke up for a second and asked what I was doing, then went back to sleep. She feels a little better.

When she first woke me up earlier, she said she thought it was the end. I wondered about it too, but I don't think so. I think there is some sort of acute process going on that is partially masked by all the medicine. It's hard to say what it is--maybe something in her abdomen. We will probably end up at the emergency room later on this morning. I have already packed a bag. I hate that place. I hate that I have to weigh whether or not to take her, because I don't want her to die in the hospital.

It is almost impossible to describe how difficult it is to have to make those kind of choices. And yet they keep coming, and I keep making them and moving on. Amazing grace.

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

yesterday gerry asked me if i thought he'd die in hospital or hospice or at home. i said it depended on how my health and back hold up. i'll make sure he's as comfortable as possible in any case. just as you're doing. (there were many nights last winter when gerry was on the couch. there is something comforting about that.)

you and arlina will be in my prayers all day, mike.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Did you ever imagine you would have to be making choices like this?

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

oh, no. no. if i can say something that'll probably sound awful, i thought it'd be me, it'd be uterine, and he'd be taking on all the care. this is a stunner. he's always been the steady, dutiful, dependable one. well, now i have to be. when the oncologist presented us with the options, gerry was sitting beside me in shock, so i had to turn to the doctor and make the choice. i did it, but it did not feel right to be taking charge.

long answer, sorry. but i'll be thinking of you as you keep making the choices.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Oh that's not awful at all. I thought the same thing--I never took care of myself, am an ex drinker, druggue and smoker, ate crappy food and never exercised. Arlina ate semsibly and saw the doctor every year, whether she needed it or not.

It's like our cars. I have had the same care for 16 years, and never do anything about it other than the occasional oil change. Arlina took hers in for oil changes every 3000 miles, did all the required service, and even had the tires rotated regularly. The engine died about 5000 miles past the warranty.

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

Hugs and love to you both.

I would venture to agree that is almost impossible to describe the difficulty of these decisions, and it is probably surreal to make them. I daresay the decisions would be much easier to make if you knew the future. Alas, not so lucky on that count.

You both are in my thoughts.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Surreal is just about the perfect word for it. They are just so far removed from anything I have ever had to, and yet I am able to do it. It's like being in the bizarro world.

If I knew the future I'd be driving a solid gold car :).

[ldygwynedd.livejournal.com]

Here's my hand, Mike.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you Jean!

[ruralrob.livejournal.com]

Amazing grace indeed - that describes exactly your journal and the way you live your life.

Adversity does rather wonderful things to us, doesn't it?

My thoughts are with you and Arlina today.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Best wishes and prayers for you. Please do hang in there. I hope for all the best.

[happy2beso.livejournal.com]

Your posts always re-center me to the things that are truly important in life.

It's a beautiful love that you and Arlina share.

[happy2beso.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I put that comment in the wrong place. Ooops. :)

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

you do have amazing grace. amazing amazing grace. xxoo

[niyabinghi.livejournal.com]

(((Mike, Arlina)))
how sweet the sound

[smilinpessimist.livejournal.com]

Borrowing from a poster above me...

**Your posts always re-center me to the things that are truly important in life.**

God Bless you both!

[pbsage.livejournal.com]

energy and strength for your journey. i was with my husband during his last week on this earth. he was in a surgical intensive care unit his last week. it was the hardest thing i have ever gone through. a sense of the holy informed that entire week. i can't quite put words to it, but, i sense this same holiness surrounding you and arlina.

may the god of mercy and of love hold you both within the palm of his hand.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

love and prayers to you both, Mike.~paul

[fried-pearl.livejournal.com]

I hope that she can find some comfort today, and rest easily. I am praying for you both, that you find strength and God's guidance while making these difficult decisions, and that Arlina has peace and comfort from her pain. Blessings to you.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

*hug*

Well, I didn't retain much...

[felixbunay.livejournal.com]

...but I think they told us in Sunday School that wherever two people get together to worship, that's a church, and I'll bet...

...wherever the two of you are together is home.

grace

[jeffe42.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, all the good thoughts I possess coming your way!! jeffe

[blistermoth.livejournal.com]

*hugs and prayers*

[serratia.livejournal.com]

You've got "nurse" and "husband" in perfect balance there, Mike... you're doing an excellent job, and Arlina couldn't possibly be in better hands.

Love and comfort to you both...

amazing grace..

[iluvdaphne.livejournal.com]

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home

an amazing job you are doing holding it all together
my prayers are with you both
and *hugs*

[http://users.livejournal.com/-reallyreally/]

I've hesitated to post, to say so much, since you were kind enough to add me. In part it's been because I often don't feel like I have anything insightful to say, but that's not so much the case. As much as words have been my ally for so many years, they fail me when I try to talk about, or respond to, something so profound as this. It's also because I'm afraid, if I get right what I want to say, it will somehow hurt you in ways I don't want you hurt anymore than you already do.

I've tried to imagine where you are -- both of you -- and I can't. I try to imagine Marc or I being in that same situation, and I can't. My mind wants to shut down the thought.

I hurt for both of you, I'm afraid for both of you. If there's anything I could say that would make a difference, I would, but it doesn't seem like there is.

My thoughts and my prayers are with you. May God be with you in whatever blessings, challenges, or transitions come next.

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

I'm praying.

[purple7luv.livejournal.com]

Amazing grace, indeed.
Just trust your heart and trust your God, Mike and continue to be the incredible husband/nurse/best friend that you have been to Arlina.

Love and prayers from here for both of you.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

For even the hand of strife though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup it brings though it burn your lips has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

much love and prayers sent to Arlina.

xo

[hippyone.livejournal.com]

I've lost 3 people from cancer in the last 18 months. My mother, April 2003, my Dad October 2003 and my MIL 2 weeks ago from breast cancer.

(It is almost impossible to describe how difficult it is to have to make those kind of choices. And yet they keep coming, and I keep making them and moving on. Amazing grace.)

Move on Brother, that's all you can do.

Sending good vibes your way.

Diana