Stuck in a moment
Nov. 11th, 2004 03:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zyzylyAs I first woke up this morning, I heard activity in the kitchen--dishes clattering, doors opening and closing. And for a brief moment, I thought it had all been a dream,that life was normal again. I was irritated--"why is Arlina making so much noise when she knows I'm trying to sleep?"
But it lasted for a second, and I woke up a little more and remembered that our niece had spent the night. It surprised me, and for that one moment I really wanted it to be so. I wanted to be back in our old world, where Arlina would wake me up with noise from rearranging a cupboard or doing one of the countless little things that would drive me crazy. How it used to irritate me! I want to go back and tell myself to savor that noise, because it will be quiet soon enough.
She continues to fade. It is kind of shocking to see how fast she has deteriorated since coming home from the hospital three weeks ago. I looked back at the picture I took of her on October 20, and there has been such a change. I took a picture the other day, but I just can't bear to look at it--she is so emaciated. After she came home, she walked around the house inspecting things, and now she can't make it the one step from the bed to the commode--I have to pretty much carry her. She is light as a feather, and I can feel every bone.
Our niece is so gentle and attentive to her. I watched for a minute as she comforted Arlina while she cried. I could hear Arlina giving her a piece of life wisdom. She so desperately wanted to be there for them, to help them grow up, these children she loved as if they were her own. This, I think, is what keeps her going. She continues to have a sense of purpose in this world. I think she knows that I will be ok, and we are at peace, but she continues to worry about her family. She is the oldest child, and it is hard to let go of the responsibility that goes with that.
The hospice social worker came by yesterday to see how we are doing. I told her that my coping mechanisms are getting a little frayed. She said, "It's getting real for you now". Haha--it's been real. It just gets harder to take. I stand at the refrigerator and stare in, wondering what I should eat, and end up opening a can of Spaghetti-O's. It's the deterioration to Chef Boyardee that concerns me--a troubling sign.
I'm just tired, and I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to have to figure out what to eat. I don't want to pay bills. But I do it anyway. After I got up, my niece and I made pumpkin scones. It felt good to be doing something. We listened to the ipod shuffle through my music collection. She surprised me by liking some of my music.
After the scones were baked, and we had gotten Arlina settled, my niece and I sat together at the kitchen table, drinking coffee, listening to music and writing in our journals as the rain came down outside. I reflected that, even in the midst of all this, there are still perfect moments--places to find a little shelter from the storm.
and the ipod gave me these words...
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass.
But it lasted for a second, and I woke up a little more and remembered that our niece had spent the night. It surprised me, and for that one moment I really wanted it to be so. I wanted to be back in our old world, where Arlina would wake me up with noise from rearranging a cupboard or doing one of the countless little things that would drive me crazy. How it used to irritate me! I want to go back and tell myself to savor that noise, because it will be quiet soon enough.
She continues to fade. It is kind of shocking to see how fast she has deteriorated since coming home from the hospital three weeks ago. I looked back at the picture I took of her on October 20, and there has been such a change. I took a picture the other day, but I just can't bear to look at it--she is so emaciated. After she came home, she walked around the house inspecting things, and now she can't make it the one step from the bed to the commode--I have to pretty much carry her. She is light as a feather, and I can feel every bone.
Our niece is so gentle and attentive to her. I watched for a minute as she comforted Arlina while she cried. I could hear Arlina giving her a piece of life wisdom. She so desperately wanted to be there for them, to help them grow up, these children she loved as if they were her own. This, I think, is what keeps her going. She continues to have a sense of purpose in this world. I think she knows that I will be ok, and we are at peace, but she continues to worry about her family. She is the oldest child, and it is hard to let go of the responsibility that goes with that.
The hospice social worker came by yesterday to see how we are doing. I told her that my coping mechanisms are getting a little frayed. She said, "It's getting real for you now". Haha--it's been real. It just gets harder to take. I stand at the refrigerator and stare in, wondering what I should eat, and end up opening a can of Spaghetti-O's. It's the deterioration to Chef Boyardee that concerns me--a troubling sign.
I'm just tired, and I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to have to figure out what to eat. I don't want to pay bills. But I do it anyway. After I got up, my niece and I made pumpkin scones. It felt good to be doing something. We listened to the ipod shuffle through my music collection. She surprised me by liking some of my music.
After the scones were baked, and we had gotten Arlina settled, my niece and I sat together at the kitchen table, drinking coffee, listening to music and writing in our journals as the rain came down outside. I reflected that, even in the midst of all this, there are still perfect moments--places to find a little shelter from the storm.
and the ipod gave me these words...
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass.
