Stuck in a moment

[zyzyly]

As I first woke up this morning, I heard activity in the kitchen--dishes clattering, doors opening and closing. And for a brief moment, I thought it had all been a dream,that life was normal again. I was irritated--"why is Arlina making so much noise when she knows I'm trying to sleep?"

But it lasted for a second, and I woke up a little more and remembered that our niece had spent the night. It surprised me, and for that one moment I really wanted it to be so. I wanted to be back in our old world, where Arlina would wake me up with noise from rearranging a cupboard or doing one of the countless little things that would drive me crazy. How it used to irritate me! I want to go back and tell myself to savor that noise, because it will be quiet soon enough.

She continues to fade. It is kind of shocking to see how fast she has deteriorated since coming home from the hospital three weeks ago. I looked back at the picture I took of her on October 20, and there has been such a change. I took a picture the other day, but I just can't bear to look at it--she is so emaciated. After she came home, she walked around the house inspecting things, and now she can't make it the one step from the bed to the commode--I have to pretty much carry her. She is light as a feather, and I can feel every bone.

Our niece is so gentle and attentive to her. I watched for a minute as she comforted Arlina while she cried. I could hear Arlina giving her a piece of life wisdom. She so desperately wanted to be there for them, to help them grow up, these children she loved as if they were her own. This, I think, is what keeps her going. She continues to have a sense of purpose in this world. I think she knows that I will be ok, and we are at peace, but she continues to worry about her family. She is the oldest child, and it is hard to let go of the responsibility that goes with that.

The hospice social worker came by yesterday to see how we are doing. I told her that my coping mechanisms are getting a little frayed. She said, "It's getting real for you now". Haha--it's been real. It just gets harder to take. I stand at the refrigerator and stare in, wondering what I should eat, and end up opening a can of Spaghetti-O's. It's the deterioration to Chef Boyardee that concerns me--a troubling sign.

I'm just tired, and I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to have to figure out what to eat. I don't want to pay bills. But I do it anyway. After I got up, my niece and I made pumpkin scones. It felt good to be doing something. We listened to the ipod shuffle through my music collection. She surprised me by liking some of my music.

After the scones were baked, and we had gotten Arlina settled, my niece and I sat together at the kitchen table, drinking coffee, listening to music and writing in our journals as the rain came down outside. I reflected that, even in the midst of all this, there are still perfect moments--places to find a little shelter from the storm.

and the ipod gave me these words...


And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass.

Comments

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

The deterioration to Spaghettio's (SpaghettiO-Nos!) disturbs me, too. But, the Pumpkin Scones are flakey morsels of culinary redemption!

[idasusan.livejournal.com]

Oh Mike, hang in there. Your friends are all praying for you...Can you feel it?

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i think about you and arlina so often. it's amazing how this medium has opened up our lives like this. there's a love at work in your posting and in our reading.

sad as this post is, it's very beautiful.

[annabellissima.livejournal.com]

Such beauty in your thoughts.

I remember feeling much this same thing when my Grandma was going through the same thing. I remember also, the quiet in the kitchen (my g-ma was a "professional mom" and we always deemed the kitchen to be HER room in the house).

Thank you so much for all of the beauty you share with us through your thoughts, your struggles, and most of all, your love and faith.

God bless you both.

[jmhm.livejournal.com]

I pray for you sometimes.

I'm sorry I can't think of something more useful to say.

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

:-) and love. xoxo

[luscious-purple.livejournal.com]

*hugs* to you, Arlina, your niece who's staying with you, and your other nieces.

(p.s. Lean Cuisine, Healthy Choice, and similar frozen meals taste much better than canned spaghetti. Wider variety, too.)

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

At times like this, choice itself is difficult. One thing your niece could do for you is cook something nutritious amd put it in front of you. And please take your vitamins.

[cobaltika.livejournal.com]

amy's microwave food is also excellent. and maybe even pretty healthy.

it's sad that this all i can think of to contribute.

my jaw drops and i am often wordless
in the presence of angels.

like daisy said. that.

[whipporwill.livejournal.com]

yeah, Mike. That. What they said.

Beryl

[sage-and-sea.livejournal.com]

I can never find the words to say...thank you for sharing this with us.

[saladbar.livejournal.com]

You write so eloquently during this time! I hope it helps you.
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[pasticcio.livejournal.com]

My heart aches for you.
Sending much love to you, Mike.
Is there anything that I can do for you?
Would Arlina like something from Canada?

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

Please don't hesitate to ask if there is any way we can be here for you.

love and prayers.
V

[parisgarters.livejournal.com]

You and Arlina are in the sermon I preached on Wednesday morning.

[serratia.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and thank Arlina.

You are among the brightest inspirations in my life.

[fried-pearl.livejournal.com]

I hope that one day you think about publishing this journal. You have put into words the pain, heartache, and joy of loving someone so completely. May God continue to give you strength. I wish there were words I could give you that would help. You are both in my prayers.

Dedication page, ready made

[felixbunay.livejournal.com]

Book.

I'm serious.

Book.

Later, of course.

Book.

[hagweena.livejournal.com]

Spaghettio's....with "not good for you" white bread slathered in butter to dip in the orange sauce. :O)
I agree you have a book in you. More than one. One must be of your photographs.

God bless you both.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I found out quite a long time after my mom died that one of the last things she told the nurse before she slipped into a coma was, "I never even got to be there for Mary when she started her period," or something similar.

We have so many hopes and wishes. It's sad when we can't have them all when we thought we could.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

hugs and prayers, Mike.~paul

[waning-estrogen.livejournal.com]

I'm fearful everytime I see a post from you.
but Arlina holds forth and you both go on so bravely.
keep walking.

[mylastsigh.livejournal.com]

may peace find you both.

[puffpastry.livejournal.com]

I know I said this before, but it bears repeating -- every time you post, your words make a difference in my life -- make me see beauty I hadn't been seeing, and feel grateful for moments I wouldn't have known to be grateful for. Even in your sadness and grief, you are rippling outwards in the world in a way you can't even know. Just by being you. Just by being honest about what you and Arlina feel and experience. Just by saying, "This is life."

I send you so many good thoughts and wishes.

[egg-shell.livejournal.com]

Somehow I came across a link to this once and saved it and now found it again. It is quite beautiful to be sharing these things from our lives and thoughts. Sad but real and real is the best. I hope you are having a good day today.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

I was clearing out an old email address and saw that you had posted something here. I read back through this and it seems like another lifetime altogether. But it brought tears to my eyes to read it and remember what it was like.