The big question

[zyzyly]

This has been quite a week.

This morning we gathered at the cemetery to put Arlina's ashes in her "niche". When I first got there it was raining, but by the time we needed to go outside, the sky had cleared, and it had turned into a beautiful but cold morning. One of my deacon friends handled the words. After, we gathered at my in-laws for a rosary and a lunch.

I came home about three pm. I made a cup of coffee, put on "Mick Martin's Blues Party" on public radio, and finally sat down to read all the sympathy cards I received. There were enough to fill a big silver cookie box.

When i was done, I reflected on the past few months--how busy it has been. Arlina was in the hospital twice since August. First for her hip replacement, and again for a whole month in September-October for pain control. When she wasn't in the hospital, she pretty much required total care, and this took up most of my time. It was an honor to care for her, but it was difficult.

I would sometimes daydream of the things I would do when this was all over. I have done this a little ever since she was diagnosed--trying to see what the future held for me. I planned trips, sold everything and moved to Italy, drove around the country and visited everyone on my friends list. I would read the paper and think about the bands I could go hear, the shows I could see. I rearranged the furniture, painted the house, sold the house. I bought a house on the beach, a cabin in the mountains, a loft in midtown. I bought a Porsche, an SUV, a Harley, a motor home. I drove north, south, east or west, and took pictures of everything I saw.

For a long time I felt guilty about this. I told no one. I wouldn't even write about it in my paper journal. Eventually, thought, I came to understand that it was a defense mechanism--something to help me through this. I shared some of it with one of the social workers, and eventually with Arlina. Arlina was so concerned with my well-being--I think this was the hardest thing for her to let go--she wanted to know that I would be ok.

Ina comment to one of my posts, one of my lj friends noted that all these daydreams would disappear the moment it became reality for me. She was right. I was kind of surprised--I really don't want to do any of it now. Part of it has to do with the reality of Arlina's death. As I thought of all these different things, Arlina was still there. I don't think my mind could grasp the complete and utter finality of her being gone, and how it would change how I think about everything. Most of these things were escapes. There is now nothing to escape from.

The past ten days have been filled. Every night a bunch of people came over to pray for Arlina. It is a filipino thing--say a rosary and then eat. I had plans to make, contracts to sign, vigils to attend, a funeral to plan. It was a lot for a shy introvert, but I did well, and everything went fine.

And so we said the final rosary today and I came home. And here I am. These last months have been filled, and I have been consumed with responsibilities and tasks. But now, for the first time in a long time, I don't have anything to do. There is sadness and loneliness, but it is not overwhelming. It is just there--a part of my life.

All that is left is a question, asked not out of despair, but of simply wanting to know what the next step is.

What do I do now?

Comments

[waning-estrogen.livejournal.com]

at risk of sounding trite,
I would say 'keep breathing'.
go out.
it will come to you.

[whipporwill.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's the first word that came into my mind when I read your question. Just breathe. Rest. As it comes to you, don't block it, but go through it.

[ldygwynedd.livejournal.com]

I think it would be okay to do nothing for a while until something you can recognize comes into focus for you.

And you can talk out just about anything here, as you know.

Pray for guidance, for thanksgiving, for comfort?

[badsede.livejournal.com]

Live.

[serratia.livejournal.com]

You just keep going, babe... carrying all the wonderful memories and things you learned along with you. Think a lot, dream a lot, laugh a lot, and cry when you need to.

This coming July it will be 20 years for me.

[sly-redux.livejournal.com]

You go on. You live your life. You find where you fit in this world.

One day at a time.

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

Dear heart, you are not going to get an answer to that today, or tomorrow, or maybe even six months from now. So what you do is you get up each morning, you shower, you brush your teeth, you talk to people, laugh, cry, smile, stare off into space, think, and go on living, one day into the next. You may feel numb but you'll keep going. And then, one day (and I hope it's not so far off) you'll realize that something has happened and that you are really living again and it's okay to do that and Arlina would have wanted it for you.

You know that already but one day will come when you will feel it's okay to do that, too. Really okay. With your heart as well as your head.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i know about the daydreams and the thoughts of travel, etc.; that's where i am now. i have no advice about afterwards, but the others here have plenty of good thoughts. i'll just add that i hope you keep journalling so i can help keep you company on the way.

[feckalyn.livejournal.com]

Read books like Dr. Suess' "Oh the Places You'll Go", Dave Eggers' "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius", the 12 by 12, and non-fiction works on grief and grieving. Go to meetings and share your loss and how you're staying sober through it and work with others.
I had to read those ones on grieving myself many years after my dad died because I didn't really know how to do it....don't hold it in, it gets worse and worse the longer you do that, trust me on this one :)

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

"And then, one day (and I hope it's not so far off) you'll realize that something has happened and that you are really living again and it's okay to do that and Arlina would have wanted it for you."
exactly.(Mike)~paul

[amicablebitch.livejournal.com]

you have a different life to live now. you already lived the one with arlina, now you have to live the one without her. not something you asked for, but you got it. some people would consider it a blessing, some a curse. but it's just something that is. no one's asking you to forget, but you have a whole slew of new memories to make. your life is only half over. despite it no longer being what you expected, you need to still look forward to the other half.

[morgainers.livejournal.com]

Take gentle care of yourself. Do what brings you peace and joy.

*hugs*

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....

[one4k4.livejournal.com]

Shopping.

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

I think it will come to you when you're ready.

[fried-pearl.livejournal.com]

Now? Be still and listen. Allow yourself time to grieve without a timetable, without a need for closure. Let the process wash over you and through you. God is there, and so is Arlina. You will be led to where you need to be.

[saladbar.livejournal.com]

Nothing drastic.

[blistermoth.livejournal.com]

Take your time, take your time.

*hug*

[kimmylovesbobby.livejournal.com]

Take it one day at a time. Live for the moment. ((HUGS)) You're in my thoughts.

[speciesofspaces.livejournal.com]

What do you want to do now? Maybe you should do that, lots of that, and ask yourself the question again, and do lots of that.

At your wish, the world would still be available for your amusement, pleasure and delight, with or without the running part.

[poetdan.livejournal.com]

You have the complete freedom of a new life ahead of you. It did not come without pain. But the lessons that preared you for it came with blinding love. You seem ready. Few are prepared for and given the opportunity you have. Make yourself ready. Arlina I suspect knows her work is done. Yours awaits. Make her proud.

[pecosbill.livejournal.com]

Please take this in the spirit of love in which it is given. If the previous step was the left foot, then right should be next and vice versa. Just keep going. Walk aimlessly for a while if that feels right. Walk with firm purpose if that does. Whatever you do, wherever you go, talk to God, feel his presence, ask for his help. It will come from longtime friends and total strangers. He will show you the way.

[worldcomrade.livejournal.com]

Is the rosary for the dead strictly "filipino thing--say a rosary and then eat"? When my uncle died, I remember endless rosaries (for several weeks) and a crucifix covered with paper chains to represent how many had been prayed. My aunt winked and said something along the lines of "We're pretty sure he's in heaven, but we don't want to take any chances." You're probably familiar with the sad humor.

Do you have any glimmers of what might be next? I don't know if you're in shock or not because you've been saying good-bye to Arlina for months now.

When someone leaves, I still look for them around corners or think of stories to tell them. Eventually I think "Oh, he would have enjoyed that." But it's a strange road at the beginning.

If by some chance you decide to travel, you're welcome in Kansas.

[norm-f.livejournal.com]

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day 5
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
christinna rossetti

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

make sure you take care of yourself. be kind to yourself.
a day at a time, a prayer at a time, a breath at a time.
do you enjoy gardening?

[pbsage.livejournal.com]

take very good care of yourself. eventually dreams and paths will open.

your question: what do i do now? is one we should ask every day, but, never seem to do until major changes/loss happen. a year and a half later, i continue to ask this question. possibilities rise and fall like the waves.

i smiled when i read your dreams, especially the part about italy. it is a very soothing place for those who mourn.

[pbsage.livejournal.com]

ps: the best piece of advice i received was this: 'if possible make no major changes for one year.'. it took a little over a year before i 'woke' again.

[jmhm.livejournal.com]

Take a break. Really. You've been running yourself into the ground for months and months, and your body being worn isn't going to help your mind or your heart.

If you decide to do visits of your friends list, our futon is always open.

[zeppo-marx.livejournal.com]

You do what you need to do. Maybe the dreams were just an escape mechanism. But maybe you will find that you need one for a bit.

If you do - don't feel guilty about it. She would have wanted you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. And if you want to forget about your circumstance for a bit, we all know that you will never want to forget about such a person as Arlina.

Many of us have shared your journey these past months wondering how we would react if we were in your shoes. I doubt that many of us would have managed it with the grace that you have.

I have confidence that your heart will continue to show you the way that is right for you.

[watashi.livejournal.com]

There is a lot of good advice on here. Everyone has to handle grief in their own way because no two deaths affect us the same. Arlina was your wife, your friend, your companion. It's not going to be easy to come to grips with the fact that she's gone. You were her caretaker, which means you had so much to do to fill the hours when she was with you that you probably didn't leave yourself much time to really think about what would happen when it was over. The grief may come to you bit by bit or you may wake up one morning and be paralyzed by it. Either way, know it will get easier with time. The fact that you are a religious man is something that you can definitely use to help you through this. The important thing is to find one thing that helps you get out of bed everyday. It doesn't matter if that one thing is religion or a person you care for or a charitable cause you wish to work for. Just find something that you can focus on while your body and brain try and work out and compute the massive loss you have suffered. When the sadness hits, let it come. Too often our society tells us we are not allowed to be sad and so we are often hard on ourselves when we allow sadness in. There is no evil in sadness. It is an emotion like any other and trying to avoid it or repress it, will only make it that much more powerful when it finally hits...and it always does. You are a beautiful man. Give yourself time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. The rest will come. *hugs*

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

whatever it is that evolves- this thing that you will do and the little things you chose to do each day-I'm here to share and support.

My only hope is that you will take some time to rest, to be with yourself and your feelings, to feel the anger and pain as well as the bliss at the good things. You have the entire garden to tend.

love.

[(Anonymous)]

Visit your sister.

[franciscan.livejournal.com]

There are so many really meaningful responses and I am not sure I could add anything new. What I will offer, though, is to just "be". In the moment. And know that there are folks out there who are praying for you.

Peace to your heart and spirit.

[idasusan.livejournal.com]

I find it interesting to read the comments you get on your postings...

I will mention only physical things, as I am not an expert on the spiritual...
Keep a routine...
Try to get enough sleep
Get up each day at around the same time
Continue to walk, or excercise in other ways, as often as you can, especially when you feel depressed. I know for a fact that that helps.
Keep taking pictures
Keep writing
Keep talking

Love is the Answer.

[saintgeorge.livejournal.com]

Take time to meditate and pray for direction. Practice inner listening. You have a great work ahead waiting, but now is the time for reflection. You are a teacher and you will teach the meaning of Love. It is the purpose of your incarnation.

[parisgarters.livejournal.com]

I will be completely inane and give you a concrete task to complete. Tell me if I should replace my Canon Powershot s200 with an s500 or if I should get something else entirely. I trust your camera judgment.

[purple7luv.livejournal.com]

no disrespect...

but just exhale..inhale.. look around... take it all in.

savor incredibly perfect italian bread... savor the tiny minuscule things.. the decadent of detail.
the difference in morning bird chirps... carry your camera everywhere... document the smallest of moments and changes in light.

write write write. i wish i had done more of that after my mom died. i did so much journaling in my lonely hours/days/months leading up.. then i think i just lived without the pen in hand for a bit. even if it's just a sentence to keep that place where you are at that given moment alive, write.

:-)

[wolfsilveroak.livejournal.com]

You go on.

You take the good, you cherish it, you remember that bad, you learn from it.

But you go on.

[i-am-no-chemist.livejournal.com]

Hey I know you don't know me but I have been reading your journal since I saw it on ljers4eternity and I wanted to let you know that I admire what I see of you here.
You are a very strong person and seem like a great guy.

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for sharing those words. It is clear that someone very beautiful loved you very much.

I hope with all my heart that you find the direction that you need.