Cantaloupe

[zyzyly]

I have been reading back over old posts. It was two years ago on Sunday that Arlina found out she was sick. I read the post I made that morning, while she was in the ER, and we thought it was gallstones. I said, "I'm pretty sure she's going to be fine". It stands as a nice reminder of how little I know.

The next day I wrote about how we woke up and talked about it. My biggest fear that morning was that Arlina would wake up and not remember what the ER doctor had said, but she did. I took a picture of her across the breakfast table that morning. She was smiling. We ate cantaloupe for breakfast. I guess I bought it the night before, thinking cantaloupe might be necessary. I also wrote, "It's funny how life can change so completely in so little time." It stands as a nice reminder of how much I actually do know.

I listened to music last night, wishing that this had been a bad dream, and that I could wake up from it. I just can't seem to get a grasp on how this person I shared my life with could be so completely and permanently gone. It will be six months tomorrow.

I ask, over and over, "How can it be, how can it be?" It just doesn't seem to fit. I guess that is why it seems like a bad dream--it has the same quality of just not being right. When the familiar no longer seems familiar at all.

It was kind of a shock when I came to the realization that I couldn't have my old life back--that the road had actually ended, and I had to go in another direction. Scary and exciting.

In the past few weeks I have made a number of decisions that have affected (at least in the short term) the path my life will now take. I don't think all of them were good decisions. Reacting while in pain is not the best time to be making big changes. I understand the whole "don't make any big decisions for a year" thing, but really, easier said than done.

On the other hand, I don't think the stuff I've done has been completely bad, either. Maybe the timing is not so good, but that's ok. I called the human resources people today to get a referral for a psychologist. I need an objective listener to help me navigate through this. You know what made me think of it? I've been watching the first season of The Sopranos. Haha!

My life feels like a mess right now. It's been a mess before, and I've always straightened it out eventually. I do have faith in my ability to get through bad times. I used to wonder why I had to go through so much bad shit early in my life, but now I know. What a gift.

Comments

[one4k4.livejournal.com]

Many hugs and prayers are sent your way. I've read this journal for a while now and I have learned so much from your stories. So in between all of the hugs; thank you.

[buongiornodaisy.livejournal.com]

***hugs***

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

It's good to hear that you have faith in yourself. Someone to help you find your way sounds like a plan. We don't get to practice this stuff, do we? :p I'm sure it'll all get sorted and while I don't know if it's as bad as you think it is, so often my feeling on whether or not my life is a mess and I've screwed it all up is more about where I'm standing than what's really going on. It's like a piece of art that looks like chaos from one angle and order from another. <3 Best of luck with finding someone to help you out.

[wonderlandkat.livejournal.com]

ditto on the easier said than done.

Good luck tomorrow- I know how one can obsess about a date and that's just so hard (mine is father's day)

[ilea.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i think a psychologist is a good idea. i have found it crucial, during more than one phase of life, to have someone who will listen to me that way.

[chained2u2.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say really but I feel the need to hug you. I miss my mother so badly and the grief counselling did help but she is still gone...and so is your lovely wife and I am sorry.

[whyaduck.livejournal.com]

Just reading your entries makes it sound like you've already got some pretty decent navigation skills. Still, having that extra ear available can be a tremendous help.

[pbsage.livejournal.com]

we share a few things in common. like dates: sunday was the second anniversary of my husband donald's death.

within six months, we (daughter and i) had to get rid of lots of personal belongings and moved.

lots of very bad shit early in life also, and recognize, not that it was a gift, but the resilience, strength and determination of character helped get me through then, is what gets me through now.

blessings for your journey.

btw: prior to donald's death i was stuck in a six year discernment pattern about going to seminary to become a minister. within the last year i finally realized that i'm not cut out for parish ministry. perhaps, not even to continue my path as a religious educator. no longer anxious about any of it.

[ms-priestypants.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize you weren't already seeing a therapist, yours sound slike the exact situation if there was one to have an objective person to kind of lead you through everything. Not that I know all of your decisions but I bet they weren't bad.

[niyabinghi.livejournal.com]

No shame in seeing about a therapist, don't forget.
*hugs*

[myasma.livejournal.com]

well thank you!

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thanks for the hugs!

[myasma.livejournal.com]

yeah, i'm just not sure where it is, and i think a counselor will help with that.

thanks for the good words!

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thankles! :)

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thanks!

[myasma.livejournal.com]

It won't be the first time i've gone to one--I find them helpful when I have issues to work out, but I usually have to let it stew for a while before I actually go. Once I'm there I can't shut up.

[idasusan.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the therapist(psychologist). I personally am relieved that you see some of your recent decisions as not what you need right now. Love to you.

[worldcomrade.livejournal.com]

Six months? It seems like it was just last month. (((hugs)))

[bluestars.livejournal.com]

i dont know what to say. i reflect often on how every day is a gift. you have helped me realize that more and more, even as my own life takes on new (and happy) dimensions.

i wish you peace

I'm younger than that now

[felixbunay.livejournal.com]

In case I didn't say so before, I'm glad you friended me a little over two years ago. It's nice when things can just be 'for no particular reason.'

It has turned out to be quite a privilege. It still is. Thank you for living 'out loud.'

Six months. Holey cow. Time is a strange and perplexing concept. At least it keeps everything from happening all at once.

[(Anonymous)]

*hugs*
Stay strong and thanks for sharing.

[badsede.livejournal.com]

I never have words .. but I have been reading, and praying.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I guess nothing ever changes the reality that they are gone.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

They may be ok, but I still keep running into walls. I talked to the psychologist on the phone the other day and she sounds nice.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

It sounds like there is some clarity that comes with time. Was it hard to get rid of stuff? I don't think I am ready for that yet, but I am ready to not be around it for a while.

thank you for sharing your journey--i find it encouraging.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Hugs back!

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Oh no--I don't worry about that. I just have to get over the "I can do it myself" shit.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It is so hard to tell the difference between the two sometimes. Although, in my heart, I think I do know.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

six months--sometimes it seems like only yesterday, and other times it was a lifetime ago.

thanks for the hugs!

Re: I'm younger than that now

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you for friending me back. I can't tell you how much your little bits of gentle humor mean to me.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you my friend

[myasma.livejournal.com]

:)

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I have seen grief counselors on and off, but I am pretty good at convincing them that I am doing ok. I am hoping that this therapist doesn't do that. I need someone who can see through my bullshitting.

I think my decisions aren't necessarily bad, but they are a little off the middle of the road, and I have to wonder at my motivations for making them.

I pass through ny sometime this summer. wanna have lunch?

[pbsage.livejournal.com]

yes, it was hard to get rid of stuff. the clothes (there was a lot!) were the first to go. i invited friends over and we went through everything, laughing and crying. we sorted them into keep, give to so and so, give to goodwill.

my studio is full of other stuff, that i still need to go through. gradually, there is less and less, but i still have a lot of things that i do not know what to do with. so, i just leave them packed in boxes until the time when i will know.

[whyaduck.livejournal.com]

To keep the cliches flowing - running into walls is preferable to running off of cliffs.

[ms-priestypants.livejournal.com]

absolutely! I will be in town definitely between the 1st of June and August 11th or so, because I will be working at the hospital then:)