56021--deep in my heart there's a house that can hold almost all of you

[zyzyly]

I went to see the therapist after taking a month off for the holidays. The first thing I told her was that I thought I would take some more time off, since I didn't have any pressing issues to work on. She agreed and asked what I wanted to talk about. I launched into a story about a patient I talked to the other evening, while waiting for one of my students to do something. She was in her 40's, and had already had all sorts of medical issues befall her. Last January her 14 year-old son was killed by an impaired driver. Shortly after that she was diagnosed with cancer. She had been in the hospital for the past three weeks and wanted to go home. She couldn't, because she was unable to eat, and the insurance wouldn't cover home IV nutrition.

I told the therapist that it reminded me of the biblical story of Job. Job was the victim of a bet between God and the Devil. One time I had to preach on that story, and I said that even though God gave a new family and stuff to Job, it wasn't like he had his old family back. There was a hole that would never be filled.

I don't think it was particularly effective preaching, but it told the truth.

I told my therapist about the boxes under my desk. She suggested that maybe it was time to open them and see what was inside. "Maybe make it a photo project," she added. She's an art therapist, so understands the significance of capturing what you're feeling.


There are two boxes under my desk. On one is written, "open Mar 07". Neither have been opened since march of 2005. Sounds like a project.

I can't just leave you with a picture of a box, so here's something from Yosemite.


It's a nice shot, but doesn't really tell you much about what I am thinking.

Comments

[duccio.livejournal.com]

I bought this book I found one time called Andy Warhol's Time Capsule 21. The artist started keeping a box next to his desk and threw whatever he wanted to keep in the box that he thought was interesting. There are letters, postcards, photos, small art works, gallery notices, old shoes, all kinds of stuff. When it was full he would seal it up and send it to the warehouse. There were eventually over 600 of these time capsules.

In 2004, the Warhol Museum opened and documented #21 in book form.

Maybe when you open these boxes, you could do something similar and produce one of those books where you download the software and then send out the digitized work to a place that can produce a book. I think Deborah did something like this. Once you open these boxes, you maybe will just seal them up again after looking. It might make everything closer to you if it was in book form, and less painful to visit again in the future if it were just that much more removed and on a shelf as a two volume time capsule. You could annotate it with recollections / confide in it and write in your present as time moves on.
http://www.warhol.org/collection/archives/

beautiful yosemite picture.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

I have a number of boxes of stuff from different times in my life. The most interesting one is from my time in the Military. Many of the items inside have some sort of emotional significance--I heard someone once describe it as emotional souvenirs.

I will check out Andy Warhol's #21--I'll bet it is interesting.

[pasticcio.livejournal.com]

That's a beautiful shot... and leaves me sort of breathless ...
*hugs*

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

We were driving back to our cabin and decided to stop and take some shots. We knew it was one of those perfect moments.

[jadeejf.livejournal.com]

I like the way you preached about that story- I heard it over and over again growing up, but always in the "Praise God Always" variations on a theme, and often thought to myself that, sure Job was a great and righteous man, but that really sucked, and many blessings don't replace the blessings that you've lost. I don't think people hear that version of it enough, but that's the part that always stuck out like a sore thumb and got glossed over.

I remember my parents having a conversation once at a restaurant where my dad mentioned that his mother (who had eight children) had lost one of his siblings when he was a kid- pneumonia, I think? And my mom thought that it would be some comfort that she had so many other kids- and I suppose that was true, in its way; certainly true to my mom who couldn't have any children of her own and I know all about that myopia- but my dad kept telling her that it's not like he and his living brothers and sisters could replace the baby that died.

Okay, /cool story, bro. Sorry. I am all sorts of random lately :P

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

there's a number of those Bible stories that I started to really wonder about as I was preaching them. The other one that stands out is the story of Abraham and Issac.

I like random!

[jadeejf.livejournal.com]

Have you heard the song "Abraham's Daughter" by Arcade Fire? I listened to it for such a long time- it was a fascinating re-imagining of that whole story.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

I just downloaded the song. I'll let you know later what I think.

[angelamermaid.livejournal.com]

I hope it does become a photography project!

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

It will for sure. And a few other boxes as well.

[niyabinghi.livejournal.com]

Yes, perhaps photographing it as a project might help you make it more of a creative, honoring project instead of just a sad one. (Not meaning there wouldn't be sad moments in the project, too, but that the project itself will help carry you through the sadness you may encounter along the way.)

Love the Yosemite shot, too.

*hugs*

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

I know there will be some sadness, but I don't imagine it will be overwhelming or anything. What I'm really wondering about is if I will be a little underwhelmed. Maybe it's all just stuff. I don't know.

[neptunia67.livejournal.com]

I feel badly for the patient you mention. And for the loss of your first wife, so young.

Do you feel compelled to open the boxes? You've mentioned them at least a couple of times in recent weeks.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

I wasn't thinking I felt compelled to open them, but now I think it is time.

[therealocelot.livejournal.com]

This gave me the shivers, because the story of Job came up in another context today, and the same thing has always struck me. He lost all those kids, and he got more kids, but that doesn't change the loss. And I don't think I would trust a preacher who could preach that into a positive.

I also have a Job at work right now, and it is much on my mind.

My cousin posted a picture of Yosemite yesterday, too. She said it was like stepping into Narnia.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

I don't often dwell on the Jobs we encounter in our line of work, but every once in a while a person's story or situation stands out. This was one of those.

Yosemite is a magical place. I stayed away for so many years. Now I am glad I am rediscovering it.

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

Freaking amazing pic of Yosemite!

If you do choose to photo document, I think it would be an interesting way to process.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

Photography has always been a sort of way for me to look at my life with a different perspective. I can't imagine having lived through what I've lived through without the pictures.

[djaza.livejournal.com]

It's time.
Courage, you'll grieve .... again.....
I'm sorry

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

I will, but it will be good too.

[howeird]

Having never been there, or anywhere even in the vicinity, I have no suggestions, just support for whatever you decide to do.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

One thing about life is that it takes you to places you can't even imagine.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

The Bible is full of horrifying stories, and Job is one. I had a violent negative reaction to the notion of a replacement family being foisted on Job to make up for the one he'd lost. Not that you can't love and welcome new people into your life--of course you can and do--but not as replacements for the ones who've been taken from you.

... But you know, reading your words, and then writing this, I feel as if I've been misunderstanding all these years. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be a comfort. Maybe it was just a statement of how things ARE. It's a cold and chilly thought, but better than the thought that God is an amoral, careless asshole who thinks that people interchangeable.

That poor woman, the one who lost her son and then got a cancer diagnosis. ;_;

And no, the picture doesn't tell me much about what you're thinking. It's very pretty, though.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

The thought of Job has stuck with me since I wrote this, and I'v been reflecting on your comment as well, about how maybe it just is what it is.

I haven't had any real insights, but it has given me something to ponder.

[3-black-cats.livejournal.com]

I want to hear the story of when you open the box. Or boxes. And to see the photos that might come out of that. You've been an inspiration to me for many years now. And you didn't even intend to be, and we hardly even know each other that much, but I am so glad that you continue sharing. Thank you for sharing so much. I always look forward to the next chapter in your story.

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

When I open it, I will certainly share it.

I feel the same--It's like all of us here have been on a long journey together. It's an amazing thing to be able to experience it.

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

March 07 is my birthday. (It's also Bruce Barone's birthday -- I think your LJ friends with him as well)

It would be an honor if you opened that box and photographed it for us.

...

[zyzyly.livejournal.com]

Bruce was one of the first people I found on LJ. I think he was mylastsigh back then. He posted a wintery picture of the Berkshires one day ten years or so ago, and I said to myself, "I want a camera so I can post pictures too".

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

You could always open the box and post photos of the contents as a birthday present to us. : )

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