the entry about change theory and dirty dishes (sort of)

[zyzyly]

When I woke up saturday morning I was thinking about change theory. No, actually, I was thinking about the dream I had. It was a work dream and I hardly ever have work dreams. I dreamed that my patient was going in and out of ventricular tachycardia and I couldn't find the crash cart to defibrillate her. Since I don't really take care of patients anymore I have no idea what it means.

Eventually I got up and headed off to a ministry class. On the way I began thinking about change theory. I forget which theory it was but it had something to do with the need to unlock from where you are before you can move into something else. Unlocking, moving, relocking. I was thinking about it in relation to someone else; then I started thinking about it in relation to me. I immediately turned up the radio and that kept it at bay for a while.

During the class I made an entry in my paper journal--the first one since the first of May (if you don't count the one I ripped out and threw away a few weeks ago). I wrote about change theory. I left the class at lunch to run an errand and didn't go back.

At the end of the journal entry I wrote down two words and underlined them:
self-discipline and
focus

When I wrote them I was thinking about all the dirty dishes in the sink at home--about how my new freedom to do whatever I want(to not do the dishes) is sometimes in conflict with what I really want (to not have a sink full of dirty dishes).

I quit my job and started making plans to drive all over the place and I wonder what the point of all that is. Do I want to drive for thousands of miles so I don't have to look at the dirty dishes in the sink? And won't the dirty dishes still be there when I come back? And I'm not even sure I mean actual dirty dishes, although though my sink is full of non-metaphorical dishes. I don't know what I mean.

I spent saturday night washing dishes.

Sunday I ended up at a coffee shop while waiting to do some hospital visits. I made another journal entry, and again I ended with:
self-discipline and
focus

Yesterday I participated in the ordination of a priest. I was the deacon of monitions. There was a point in the rite where I had to kneel for an extended period. While I was kneeling two words came to mind:
self-discipline and
focus

After about five minutes of kneeing on tile a third word came to mind:
ouch!

I think it is time for me to start pulling my life back together. Ugh.

Comments

[whirledpeas.livejournal.com]

I know
that I don't know you


but I'm insanely proud of you.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

well thank you for that!

[eleanor.livejournal.com]

Faith is a wonderful and powerful thing, and I have faith in your strength and resiliency.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

i guess i do too, otherwise i wouldn't be thinking about what I have to do to do. i'm grateful for that..

[jscottharris.livejournal.com]

The dream: I have no idea what it means. Sounds like a 'wake up, fool, you need to whizz!' kind of dream to me. I come to this conclusion after years of pondering bizarre, unsettling dreams... standing in front of the terlet. ;>

As to the other: wash the dishes (or not), and just drive. Let the Universe do the heavy lifting.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

i love strange dreams--if i can, i'll stay in bed as long as i can and play them out.

i wish i could be driving today.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

self-discipline and focus are much to be desired. i have a hard time with them, but they're goals to aim for. i'm sure you can reach them. ((mike))

[myasma.livejournal.com]

i think i'd be happy with even one or the other, but if I had to choose, i'd choose focus. sure, with self-discipline all your drawers are neatly arranged, but what does that get you? :)

[waning-estrogen.livejournal.com]

brown spots in back, yellow spots in front?


pardon me. I did laundry yesterday.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

white socks on the right, colored socks on the left. something she left me with.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you for those kind and encouraging words.

[blistermoth.livejournal.com]

I think you *are* pulling your life together.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

doing the dishes was a start. and i did make my bed this morning, but i think it will take a little more than that. but maybe that's enough for now.

thanks for the encouragement!

[her-whispers.livejournal.com]

those are two wonderful words by themselves,
let alone when they are put together

i have this crazy urge now
to add them to the post-its
i hide in my medicine cabinet

they say things like
"no soda" "smoke less" "clean more"

i think you are brave.
i think you are strong.
i think you have a wonderful spirit.

dirty dishes or not,
you'll be okay
i think your life
will come back together
just fine

(i think it already is)

it reminded me of a picture

[myasma.livejournal.com]

thank you for your kind words!

here is what is in my medicine cabinet:

[waning-estrogen.livejournal.com]

just wanted to say
"hey. thank you for the insight."

[myasma.livejournal.com]

hey, thank you!

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Self-discipline and focus. Yes. I could use those, too.

Sometimes you need to get caught up in a larger music--does that make sense? I'm thinking of a couple of the patients with Korsakoff's Syndrome in Oliver Sacks' The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat. These men were unstuck from time, maybe even from themselves--but in the Mass, or in music, or in gardening, they found depth and peace. They were carried along by the larger story.

Finding the larger story (or music), then having the courage to open yourself, surrender yourself, those are hard. But helpful.

You remain always in my prayers.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

i have a thought that part of my desire to travel is to be caught up in the world, and all that there is to see and absorb.

and maybe to bring a little of that back with me.

thank you for your prayers--they are much appreciated.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

Thomas Moore (who always makes me think of you) wrote a little passage about how withdrawl from our usual activities and the world is something we should perhaps do a little of each day, without the need to fill that time with shoulds- it completes our movement towards entering fully into life. Just as a loag of bread needs air in order to rise everything we do and are needs an empty place in it's interior.
Our withdrawl from an active busy life can create a spirituality without walls. Simply getting away from the linear life can be a retreat and the core of monastic spirit
At the sight of nothing, the soul rejoices.
♥


He also wrote this little tale
A pilgrim was walking along the road one day when he passed what seemed to be a monk sitting in a field. Nearby men were working on a stone building.
You look like a monk, the pilgrim said.
I am that, said the monk
Who is that working on the abbey?
My monks, said the man I'm the abbot..
It's good to see the monastery going up said the pilgrim.
They're tearing it down, said the abbot.
Whatever for! asked the pilgrim.
So that we can see the sun rise at dawn, said the abbot.

I imagine this time in your life as being much like this parable.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

so, do you think i am the pilgrim or one of the monks?

"spirituality without walls" is such a lovely phrase--may I adopt it?

thank you!

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

I thought of your soul and life like the monastery actually. Right now you are under construction or being reconstructed in order to for a clearer sighting of the sun rise at dawn.

The one about the hole; or, the holey one

[felixbunay.livejournal.com]

So, I'm not saying if there is or there isn't one, because I don't presume to know, but...

Maybe even if it can't be filled, at least you'll have some company while you're down in there.

And if it's the omniscient kind, maybe if you ask, there will be some good suggestions on which way is out.

I'm just saying.

Also, discipline is an interesting word. I wonder if there are other words from the same root?

Now, as for the self part - you're on your own.

Bwa ha ha ha ha. I slay me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled uncommentable post.

Re: The one about the hole; or, the holey one

[myasma.livejournal.com]

discipline--yes. and there is always a cost.

you never fail to amaze me!

there are some holes that even God can't fill.

[poetdan.livejournal.com]

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says "Don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
only love can fill.

Re: there are some holes that even God can't fill.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

beautiful words!

About Filling holes

[idasusan.livejournal.com]

Not to be too trite, but why not -

God fills the holes that one can't fill oneself.

But do not expect him to be a dentist.

Between the two of you the holey heart can be whole again.

Advice from an old farmer..."If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop diggin'."

Buy a dishwasher.

Take the trip. But remember that no matter where you go, there you are.

Re: About Filling holes

[myasma.livejournal.com]

i don't know why not--maybe it's not time yet. maybe it has to heal from the bottom up.

i have a dishwasher--it never occured to me to use it!

[pbsage.livejournal.com]

hmmmmm. ouch

david danced before the lord.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I heard there was a secret chord
that David played
and it pleased the Lord,
but you don't really care for music, do you?

well it goes like this
the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift,
the baffled king composing hallelujah.

[ms-priestypants.livejournal.com]

I think the trip would be good for you because you have been through a life changing, cathartic experience, and this trip will give you time to be alone with yourself on long roads and through mountains and meadows and coastlines and think about all of that, and also, if it is okay for me to say this, I think it will give you sometime alone in all of those places with Arlina and your memories of her, and it will hurt like hell.

And then your trip will have an official end, and maybe that will help you to move to a new stage in your grieving and living, since for a while now it has all just spread out wide in front of you, reaching on forever?

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I think you are right--sometimes it is easy for me to be distracted here, and maybe what i need is some time to be with my grief.

you will do well in your cpe--you already have all that you need.

[ms-priestypants.livejournal.com]

Thank you, really- I can't express how much I have learned from the expertly worded view of life and ministry and sadness you provide in your journal.

[And if CPE could be done online, I would feel better about it. In person I tend to flush and get overly self conscious and say "um" and "just" too much and generally overwhelmed by other peoples suffering to the point of leaky eyes, which are all awesome attributes for a future priest;)]

[brendamom.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm. I have litte self discipline or focus. Are they available online?
Can I have them delivered to the house? I used to have some, but I lost most of it.
And those holes? Mine are like bad chuck holes on my path. I fill them, God fills them, I walky walk, sometimes even slightly enlightened and dang-the hole is back. I get depressed. I call Sky Pilot and complain. I cry. But then sometimes, he sends in a crew at night and those holes are totally gone.
I can't think of a better contractor. Those holes keep coming back and I suspect I don't clearly understand maintenance proceedure and should re-read the manual. Sometimes all I have to do is read the manual or even something full of truth and not do a thing and they are gone the next morning.
When I first went into my time of grief and loss, I had so many holes, I resembled swiss cheese. I was a very leaky boat. I patched that sucker with every quick fix, before I saw it wasn't working. Now I sail for days or months at a time sometimes...in this durable boat, this often swift boat...There must be a regatta I'm supposed to win...or something.
I am writing this after another slump. It did me good to write it down.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

i have tried a few of those quick fixes, and they don't last for very long.

i fi find self discipline and focus, i'll send some your way.

thank you again for sharing your journey. it gives me hope!

[(Anonymous)]

... I was reminded today of a book entitled "A Hole is to Dig". I still have that book of first definitions, and it says in it:

"A Hole is to Plant a Flower"

[myasma.livejournal.com]

i remember that book. it was mine!

[gutbloom.livejournal.com]

Take it from me, pulling your life together is overrated. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

La la la, la la la la, la la la, la la la la
La la la la la bobby mcgee.
La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, bobby mcgee.

la.

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

i think you are making excellent progress! :-) xoxo

[tinyprayers.livejournal.com]

What does the deacon of monitions do?

I found out yesterday that I will be the deacon who gets to stand next to the bishop at the altar at my ordination.

[myasma.livejournal.com]

The deacon of monitions gives instructions to the assembly--"let us kneel" and so on.

I started out at the ordination in the position of deacon who gets to stand next to the bishop at the altar, but moved to the other slot to let the newly ordained deacon serve at the altar.

[jackiejj.livejournal.com]

I found you through seraphimsigrist (http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=seraphimsigrist) and am adding you to my friends list. I'd like very much to join you on your adventures!

Greetings from Tennessee--Jackie