the entry about change theory and dirty dishes (sort of)

[zyzyly]

When I woke up saturday morning I was thinking about change theory. No, actually, I was thinking about the dream I had. It was a work dream and I hardly ever have work dreams. I dreamed that my patient was going in and out of ventricular tachycardia and I couldn't find the crash cart to defibrillate her. Since I don't really take care of patients anymore I have no idea what it means.

Eventually I got up and headed off to a ministry class. On the way I began thinking about change theory. I forget which theory it was but it had something to do with the need to unlock from where you are before you can move into something else. Unlocking, moving, relocking. I was thinking about it in relation to someone else; then I started thinking about it in relation to me. I immediately turned up the radio and that kept it at bay for a while.

During the class I made an entry in my paper journal--the first one since the first of May (if you don't count the one I ripped out and threw away a few weeks ago). I wrote about change theory. I left the class at lunch to run an errand and didn't go back.

At the end of the journal entry I wrote down two words and underlined them:
self-discipline and
focus

When I wrote them I was thinking about all the dirty dishes in the sink at home--about how my new freedom to do whatever I want(to not do the dishes) is sometimes in conflict with what I really want (to not have a sink full of dirty dishes).

I quit my job and started making plans to drive all over the place and I wonder what the point of all that is. Do I want to drive for thousands of miles so I don't have to look at the dirty dishes in the sink? And won't the dirty dishes still be there when I come back? And I'm not even sure I mean actual dirty dishes, although though my sink is full of non-metaphorical dishes. I don't know what I mean.

I spent saturday night washing dishes.

Sunday I ended up at a coffee shop while waiting to do some hospital visits. I made another journal entry, and again I ended with:
self-discipline and
focus

Yesterday I participated in the ordination of a priest. I was the deacon of monitions. There was a point in the rite where I had to kneel for an extended period. While I was kneeling two words came to mind:
self-discipline and
focus

After about five minutes of kneeing on tile a third word came to mind:
ouch!

I think it is time for me to start pulling my life back together. Ugh.

Comments

[ms-priestypants.livejournal.com]

I think the trip would be good for you because you have been through a life changing, cathartic experience, and this trip will give you time to be alone with yourself on long roads and through mountains and meadows and coastlines and think about all of that, and also, if it is okay for me to say this, I think it will give you sometime alone in all of those places with Arlina and your memories of her, and it will hurt like hell.

And then your trip will have an official end, and maybe that will help you to move to a new stage in your grieving and living, since for a while now it has all just spread out wide in front of you, reaching on forever?

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I think you are right--sometimes it is easy for me to be distracted here, and maybe what i need is some time to be with my grief.

you will do well in your cpe--you already have all that you need.

[ms-priestypants.livejournal.com]

Thank you, really- I can't express how much I have learned from the expertly worded view of life and ministry and sadness you provide in your journal.

[And if CPE could be done online, I would feel better about it. In person I tend to flush and get overly self conscious and say "um" and "just" too much and generally overwhelmed by other peoples suffering to the point of leaky eyes, which are all awesome attributes for a future priest;)]